Why Don’t You Smile?

I am in my favorite city working at the amusement park, which I absolutely love, and I am extremely unhappy. I cannot believe that depression would decide to hit during my favorite time of the year. I guess that is what happens after I quit my job with no other job prospects.

The one thing that really annoys me the most, however, is the number of people that tell me to smile. I do smile. I don’t walk around 24 hours a day smiling for no reason though. And I might smile because someone tells me to, but it is not a genuine smile.

People also don’t understand that right now, I am wearing retainers because I just got my braces off. I am not self-conscious. However, they do make smiling a little awkward. When I try to explain that to people, though, they don’t understand.

I was told the other day that it takes three muscles to smile and forty-some muscles to frown. At least I am going to have really strong facial muscles because there is not much in my life worth smiling for at the moment.

Should I Tell?

Now that I am officially done with teaching forever and have moved out of my apartment, it means that I will no longer see my close friends. These friends have been there for me in my darkest moments. I am really going to miss them. We did not agree on everything, but they were a big help with all my mental problems.

Before I left, they told me I need to tell someone that I suffer from depression, ‘just in case’. I am not exactly sure what they mean by that. Besides, it really is no one’s business. The only reason my friends know is because they found out by accident.

They think I should tell my aunt and uncle. I lived with them for three years while I lived in the city and worked at the amusement park. I am in the city again (with the hopes of finding a job here) and working at the amusement park but I no longer live with my aunt and uncle. My friends think that I should use this time to tell them. In fact, they were planning on driving seven hours to help me tell them but my counselor said that this is something that I need to do on my own.

I just can’t tell them. Again, it really is no one’s business. Besides, not everyone is going to understand like my friends did. I would freak out if I knew that someone is a cutter and has had thoughts of suicide. I would think it is weird that someone has no control over pulling out her eyebrows. I know that I am not crazy, but not everyone will agree. And really, what do I expect my aunt and uncle to do if they know?

The Berenstain Bears 5-Minute Inspirational Stories

I grew up reading all of the Berenstain Bear books. It is so great that more books are still being written; this time with a focus on God. The Berenstain Bears 5-Minute Inspirational Stories by Stan and Jan Berenstain with Mike Berenstain contains twelve books that teach different important Christian lessons. In this book, the bears learn lessons about the importance of praying (Say Their Prayers), accepting people that are different (Love Their Neighbors), helping people in times of need (Get Involved), and standing up for yourself even in difficult times (Gift of Courage), just to name a few.

I definitely recommend this book to all young children. With twelve stories, this book will keep kids busy reading about the loveable bears. The messages in each story are very clear and cover topics such as praying, loving others, forgiveness, helping, and standing up for yourself. The characters make several references to the Bible by reciting different verses that relate to the messages and then give explanations about what each of the verses mean. This is a must-read for all young Christians. They will absolutely fall in love with the pictures and the interesting plots.

I received this book free from Book Look Lovers. All ideas are mine.

Almost

I got an exciting email this morning that totally made my day. The email said that one of the manuscripts I sent to a publisher was being considered and that I needed to set up a time to call them. I made the appointment for this afternoon and was so excited and nervous. I had no idea what to expect.

Then, right at the time I needed to make the call, I got an email saying that the appointment had been canceled and that my book was no longer being considered.

I feel very upset and angry right now. I know it just wasn’t part of God’s plans but to be so close and have that taken away from you really hurts. The only way I really know how to respond to these kind of feelings is by cutting. However, I know that is the wrong response.

Why does life have to be so hard and cruel?

Love Letters from God: Bible Stories for a Girl’s Heart

Love Letters from God: Bible Stories for a Girl’s Heart by Glenys Nellist tells the stories of important women in the Bible such as Eve, Hannah, Ester, Mary, and Mary Magdalene, just to name a few. Along with the women’s stories, each page includes a Bible verse and a little letter from God that relates to each lesson taught.

This picture book is perfect for young girls to learn about the heroic women in the Bible. The pictures are very beautiful and colorful. Each female Biblical hero’s story includes a little pop-out letter from God that can be addressed to the reader. The letters relate to the story and then give some advice that is applicable to the young readers. The lessons are very easy to understand and show girls of all ages that they can make an impact in this world just like the women in the Bible did. I highly recommend this book to all young female readers.

I received this book free from Book Look Bloggers. All ideas are my own.

Burned Out Teacher

I am burned out. I am not sure how I am supposed to make it through 3 1/2 more weeks of school. Every day gets longer and longer. I count the hours before it is time to go home. Then, to make things even worse, they went and canceled my only special on Friday. That means that except for lunch, I am with the students all day. I am thinking that I should put in a sub request for the afternoon just so that I can go home and have some time to myself. The bad thing is that I get bored and lonely on the weekends. Do I really want to add some extra time to the weekend?

On My Way to Happiness

I turned in my letter of resignation today. I also told a few people that I was leaving so that they would be prepared when they saw it in the school board minutes tomorrow. To some degree, it has been difficult telling people. It is difficult telling people that I have no job lined up because it is very obvious then that I am leaving because I do not like my job.

It is the truth though. I have been unhappy for awhile. I was stunned last fall when my counselor asked me why I was still a teacher when I did not like it but she asked a very good question. It has not been an easy question to answer though. I am giving up a stable job and everything that is familiar. That has been terrifying. It has also made my mind wrestle back and forth about whether to give up teaching or not.

Finally, I just called my mom and talked to her. The second I told her that I was considering leaving teaching, she told me that she knew I was unhappy. She doesn’t know the half of it since she doesn’t know that I suffer from depression. But, I thought I hid it well. We talked a little and in the end, I knew that I needed to leave. And ever since then, my mind has settled down and there has been no more wrestling about what to do.

I still have five more weeks of school left. And in some ways, it feels like an eternity. But maybe I can go forth a little differently since I know that I am leaving a job that has made me so unhappy.

The Berenstain Bears Bless Our Pets Review

In The Berenstain Bears Bless Our Pets, by Mike Berenstain, all of Bear Country’s pets are invited to church to be blessed. The Bear family takes their dog, cat, fish, and bird to be blessed. At first, everything is going all right. Then, a dog scares one of the cats which starts a chain reaction among all the other animals. In the end, God calms the animals through the preacher and the animals are able to be blessed since they are a gift from God.

I definitely recommend this book for all children. The plot is very interesting since it deals with animals, which most kids love. There are also some funny parts of the story like when it talks about some of the animals the kids bring and also when all of the pets go crazy. The glossy pictures of the animals, as well as the Bear family, are very entertaining and help tell the story. The spiritual message is very clear as well: God created all creatures and we need to thank Him for the gift of pets. This book is a must-read for all fans of The Berenstain Bears.

I received this book from Book Look Bloggers to review. All ideas are mine.

Teacher Contract Deadline

It has been awhile since I have last written. I have been busy and did not have much to say. Pretty much anxiety has consumed me. I have started taking Ativan in addition to my daily medication without my doctor’s approval. I still have the pills left over from a long time ago and thought that they might help with the extreme anxiety.

What has gotten me all anxious? Well, it is almost time for teacher contracts to be signed and I still am at a loss about what to do. I hate teaching but at least I have a steady paycheck, a job, and health insurance. If I choose to not sign my contract, I am choosing to give all of that up because I do not have another job lined up. I keep telling myself that if I cannot find a job, I will go work at Walmart.

I am at such a loss about what to do. My friends are no help either. They clearly want me to stay in teaching. But they do not understand the depression and anxiety that consume me each day because of teaching. It will be hard to leave them but I just don’t think I can do another year of teaching.

What should I do?

The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb

In The Way of the Dragon or the Way of the Lamb, by Jamin Goggin and Kyle Strobel, power is the enemy. Power comes from the ways of below. People need to walk in the ways from above. It is through time, experience, and Jesus that one gains power, or, for a better term, control. Power of love is one of the good forms of power. There are many bad forms of power in the world today, however. There is money, personality, racism, and so many others. Again, it is important to refrain from these powers and walk in the ways of God.

The message of this book is very clear: Power is a sin. The authors try to make the book interesting by talking to people that they consider to be very influential at the beginning of the chapters. However, the book gets to be very long and repetitive. This book is more suited towards people that are in very powerful and influential positions such as pastors, presidents, government officials, or even church officials that have a say in what goes on at the church. If a person is not in a position that has lots of responsibility, the book tends to get long and boring.

I received this book free through Book Look Bloggers. All ideas and opinions are mine.