Several weeks ago, my best friend told me something very personal that had happened in her life recently. She had told several other people but the reason she had waited to tell me was because she knew that because of my Christian beliefs, I would not approve. Sure enough, I was not pleased with what she had done but I did not tell her that. Instead, I thanked her for being so honest with me and left it at that.


Afterwards, I thought about how difficult it must have been for her to tell me and how I have never confided in her about anything. My biggest secret is that I sometimes suffer from depression and because of it, I have become a cutter. I decided since she had been very honest with me, I should repay her and being honest with her.


Shortly before I was to see her again, I changed my mind. I decided that there was no way that I could open up to her about this topic. Several months ago, I told her something that happened in my life. And while it was not a big secret, I did not like how she told her mom and then tried to offer me advice. I did not want that at the time. I figured that if I told her about my depression and cutting, she would worry that I was a serious danger to myself and tell her mom. I mean, there are a lot of people who have misconceptions about mental illnesses based on a couple people who have gone crazy with weapons. I was worried that if I told my friend and then she told her mom, both of them would try to help me.


I do not want help for my problems. I am not a danger to myself. My cutting is very minor. And yeah, I really do not like having depression but I do not have it near as bad as I did in high school and college.


I feel bad that I am not able to trust my friend like she is able to trust me. It is nothing personal against her though. I have told no one my secret of cutting. And I have had problems confiding in everyone. I just have trust problems.


2 thoughts on “Trust

  1. Tell her, or if you don’t feel like you can tell her, tell someone else. I had depression and was a cutter in my late teens and early twenties. I felt I had it under control. I didn’t want to tell anyone. Then someone found out – they saw the cuts. From that moment on I could move forward and let go. It’s not about the fact that you can’t carry on with things the way they are, it’s about the fact that you don’t have to – things can get so much better for you. For me the cutting was a way to make the invisible inside pain something I could see, something I could deal with. Talking to the right people took the pain away, and therefore the need to cut. Talking helps.


  2. I have a few friends like this, and I honestly can’t bring myself to be as close to them as I was before they breached my trust. They still confide in me, but I refuse to tell them anything that I would not tell the general public if asked. So I understand that you’re uncomfortable talking to her about this particular subject, as depression and cutting is extremely hard to explain to someone who can’t relate.
    I agree that you should talk to SOMEONE, though, even if this particular woman isn’t who you confide in. Another friend, perhaps, whom you have more faith in?


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