I recently moved to the middle of no where. Before I moved, I bought a new TV and an antenna. Growing up, my family never had cable and I felt no need to get it for myself. Lately, it seems that there is nothing good on anyway. I really did not want to pay for nothing.
Once I tried to hook up my antenna though, I realized that all I was going to get was PBS. I was very disappointed. I did not want to pay for TV.
My mom told me that since I am in a tiny town all by myself, I needed to get cable for entertainment. So one day, I decided I was going to do it. But then I found out that if I was going to get cable, I was also going to have to pay for phone. I was disappointed. They actually had a good deal for cable where I only had to pay a little bit and I could get the basic channels.
I decided if I was going to pay for phone, than I might as well have internet instead of cable. I knew I could watch my favorite shows online.
My mom is having a hard time understanding why I do not have TV. She does not really understand the internet though. I must admit, I am kind of a TV addict. Instead of TV though, I am just watching old shows on Youtube and IMDB. I am still watching a lot of shows but just on the computer. My mom just thinks I need cable.
When I first found out that I had depression when I was sixteen, I had many misconceptions. Time soon revealed to me what depression really meant. Here are some of my misconceptions:
1. Depression is just sadness and wanting to kill yourself.
There are also overwhelming thoughts as well as the inability to focus or do much of anything. Depression is so much more than sadness.
2. You can snap out of depression.
Believe me, I tried that and found it impossible. Normally, I am a very positive person but a positive attitude does not help.
3. People with depression are lazy.
The summer that I was sixteen, I found myself sitting on the couch a lot, staring into space. I was wasting my whole summer doing nothing. I decided I would make a list of things I wanted to do the next day and then when I woke up, I would get started immediately on my list. I told myself I could sit on the couch and do nothing after I finished my list. But then every morning, I would not even touch the list. Eventually I realized that I was not being lazy. Depression had just caused me to lose interest in things I once enjoyed.
4. Cutting is a sick-minded idea. Who honestly would want to hurt themselves?
Now I know that cutting is impulsive and a person who cuts does it for many reasons.
5. Christians do not get depressed.
Once I became a Christian at age 20, I thought I would never be depressed again. I had Jesus and that was all I ever needed. You can imagine my surprise when a couple weeks later, I was depressed. I eventually realized God was using me through my depression.
I moved here a couple weeks ago. I was welcomed to the community with cookies, a cookbook, and lots of helpful advice. Everyone was so excited to have me here. I bet you did not know that the new teacher was hiding some secrets though. I bet you did not know that the new citizen is prone to depression. I bet you did not know that she deals with her problems by putting sharp metal to her wrist. I bet you did not know that the new person in town often wishes she no longer existed.
If you did know all those things, would you have been as welcoming? Would you still want me here or would you be eager to send me away? Would you be willing to hear about my past and my problems or would you classify me as insane? Would you be willing to help me with my problems or would you pass me off as hopeless? Would you still accept me for who I am, broken and scarred?
There are a lot of different depression tests online. Some of them I feel are more reliable than others. But I know that the tests are not a definite diagnosis. Only a doctor can do that. I get some satisfaction from the tests though when I mark that I am having thoughts of death and then a warning box pops up saying that I need to get help immediately. I like it because at least somebody cares about me, even though it is only the makers of the test which do not know me. Just to make things clear, I am not a danger to myself or others.
Every Sunday night, I call home to talk to my mom. We rarely talk any other time throughout the week. I usually look forward to her calls. We can talk for over an hour. But lately, I have dreaded Sunday nights because I have nothing to say. My life is full of depression and misery. If I tell my mom about my week, I would be close to tears because there is very little happiness. My mom does not know about my depression and I know she would not understand. If I do not call, she would start to worry. I just feel like crying every time she answers the phone though. Today is particularly bad. I guess I have a few hours to figure out what to tell my mom so that she will get the impression that everything is all right even though that could not be farther from the truth.
I am a depressed teacher. I no longer am smiling on the inside when my students tell me something. I only smile on the outside and pretend I am listening. I am a depressed teacher trying to get through the day and looking forward to when I can go home. I am cutting small corners on my lessons because I am just trying to make my life a little easier.
I am a depressed teacher that easily gets irritated with my students. Why can they not just try? Why do they not want to behave? My life would be that much easier if I did not have to deal with behavior problems on top of everything else.
The stress of my life is really getting to me!
I can be a loner. Sure, I like friends, but I also have no problem doing things on my own. I guess that is what happens when your friends all abandon you throughout the years. After I moved back home after college, none of my friends were around any more. I did not really talk to the friends that were because we no longer had anything in common. I talked to a few of my college friends but they lived too far away to hang out with often.
Then there was the summer that I moved to the city and lived with my aunt and uncle while I worked at the amusement park. I made friends with the other employees and I would occasionally hang out with them when I was not working but I was also ok being by myself. They had other friends of their own as well as obligations that I did not have since I was just a visitor in the city for the summer.
Now, I have moved to a small town where there is nobody my age. I do hang out with another teacher occasionally. She is a few years older than me and does have family obligations though. I always say yes though when she invites me to do something because I appreciate her friendship.
It does bother the people I know here as well as my when I do something by myself. One weekend when the fair was going on, some woman came to my door and asked if I wanted to go to the fair with her. I did not know her but it turns out her mom works at the school. That was a little weird but she was concerned that I spent too much time alone in my apartment. But who else am I supposed to invite? I went to a movie last night by myself. I went to a tourist attraction last weekend by myself. I had fun.
I have friends, but I am also comfortable doing my own thing, by myself.