2015 Resolutions

I have never been one for New Year’s Resolutions. I do not understand why people insist on trying to change something about themselves and then giving up after a few weeks. I also do not understand why people make resolutions only at the beginning of the year. If a person really wants to lose weight, they should start right away. Resolutions should be a year long thing.

The one resolution I would like to make but unfortunately is not possible, is to not let mental illness control my life. I wish it were possible to say goodbye to OCD, self injury, depression, anxiety, and trichotillomania and start over with a new perspective on life for 2015. Since that is unrealistic, I will stick with just trying my best to live my life for God through my mental problems and to raise awareness for mental disorders.


2014 Year in Review

This was probably the most interesting year. It was not all good, but it was not all bad. Here are the events that have had the biggest impact on me:

1. Went back to work at the amusement park and would have been promoted if I could have stayed the whole summer

2. Got my first teaching job

3. Moved out on my own

4. Discovered that I had OCD tendencies as well as trichotillomania (hair pulling)

5. Became a more serious cutter


New Year’s Eve

Every year, I always worry that my New Year’s Eve is going to be lame. I am afraid that I am not going to even celebrate it or that I will end up by myself, celebrating with movies. There were a few years that I celebrated by watching movies with my younger brothers. Even though this was not the most exciting way to celebrate, I considered it plans because it meant that I was not in my room alone trying to stay awake by watching movies.

The last two years, I have gone over to my aunt’s house to watch movies. We usually get started in the early afternoon so by the end of the night, I am sick of watching movies and sitting on the couch. But I liked this better than watching movies with my brothers because I actually left the house.

This year, I was debating about whether I would go over to my aunt’s house if she asked. I do not know why I was even considering it before she even asked me. For some reason that I cannot figure out, I am just not in the mood for movies. In fact, I am really not in the mood to even celebrate. I actually just want to go to bed at a decent time on New Year’s Eve.

I have yet to decide what I am going to do. I do not want to hurt her feelings, but really, I am just not in the mood this year.

Hanging out with my Friend Part 2

I woke up in the middle of the night and looked out the window. I was hoping that there was a lot of snow on the ground so that I would not have to hang out with my friend. I was very disappointed though because it was not even snowing.

This morning, I woke up and looked out the window. I was disappointed again. It had barely snowed. I knew I was going to have to hang out.

But then, she called. She was worried about the weather turning bad later in the day. It sounded like she wanted to cancel but she wanted me to make the decision. So we are not hanging out.

She still really wants to hang out before I head back home. She gave me two different options: New Year’s Eve or this Saturday. I could not give her a definite answer. I did not want to either. I told her I might have plans New Year’s Eve. Actually, I could have plans for New Year’s Eve if I really wanted to. I just am not sure I really want to have plans. And as for Saturday, I am actually thinking about going back on Friday. I was thinking about that before I heard from her.

I am relieved that we do not have to hang out but at the same time, I feel terrible. What kind of friend am I? A messed up depressed friend, that is it.

Hanging out with my Friend

I am to hang out with my friend tomorrow. We were best friends in college but we have seen very little of each other since I finished school. This last year has been pretty bad. We hung out once during the summer and had breakfast together a few months ago. We rarely talk on the phone any more. She will text me occasionally but they are short messages. I used to enjoy our days when we would get together and go to the mall. But for some reason, I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am slowly watching our friendship dissolve. I know we said we would be friends forever and I guess I am not ready to watch our friendship fade away, but I know it is happening. I really do not have much to tell her anymore. We are living two different lives right now and she just doesn’t understand my life. I don’t understand hers as well.

I find myself dreading tomorrow. I am not looking forward to lunch in the food court followed by a movie I have already seen. Will it be a bunch of awkward conversations of topics that neither of us care about?

I have yet to buy her a Christmas present. I shall have to do that tomorrow. I will also have to pay for gas and lunch and a movie ticket. I know I should not put a price on maintaining a friendship (and it is not like I have very many to begin with) but it will not be a cheap day.

There is snow in the forecast. Last year, it snowed a little bit and she cancelled. I am kind of hoping the same will happen this year as well. That makes me sound like a horrible friend, but it is what I am feeling. That is really sad that of my two friendships I have right now, I am trying to avoid the one.

The Classroom Fish

At the beginning of the school year, one of my students decided we needed a class fish. I was fine with that because  I have fish of my own. The parent had said she would bring in everything the fish needed. The students were so excited.

The mother cut a lot of corners though. She brought in a small clear tote box for the tank and brought in goldfish food even though the fish was not a goldfish. She had not brought a filtration system or anything else.

A couple weeks later, the fish died, probably from lack of oxygen. It happened over a three day weekend so I told the kids that was the reason why he probably died. The kids wanted another fish but I told them I would think about it after Christmas. I really did not want to have to deal with a fish over the long break.

I had kind of forgotten about the fish until a couple weeks ago when one of the students reminded me. I have done a lot of thinking about it and I have decided we are not going to get a fish for the classroom.

First of all, I have fish and hermit crabs of my own. I also work at an amusement park during the summer that is several hours away. I live with my aunt and uncle during the summer and I have no room in my car or at their house for an extra aquarium. If the students ask, that is what I will tell them.

My mom told me I could probably get a fish if I let one of the students take it home during the summer. I know my students though. They are very lazy. If I let one of them take it, the fish won’t come back alive. And for me, I am very attached to my pets.

Plus, my students’ behavior since the beginning of the school year has been terrible. They do not deserve a fish.

Well, at least I gave it some serious thought. Unfortunately, it isn’t going to happen.

Hair Pulling-Trichotillomania

During my two week vacation from school, I have one wish. I want to regrow my left eyebrow. Well, I want to regrow what is missing. I actually have a bald spot in my eyebrow and I am responsible. I pull out the hairs in my eyebrow. I have no idea what I am doing until afterwards when I have no eyebrow left. I usually do it when I am on the phone or reading to my students. I have always associated my hair pulling with stress. But until recently, I had no idea that there was a real medical condition called trichotillomania that involves hair pulling. I guess I am relieved that there is a reason behind my actions. I still do not like how I have to literally wear my problems on my face for everyone to see.

Depression and Anxiety Quote

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.

I cannot say I agree with the quote. I suffer from anxiety and depression myself and I know where I am living. And it is not necessarily where the quote says I am living.

Let me start with depression. I have suffered from depression since I was sixteen. That is eight years. I have yet to figure out any specific cause. My depression pretty much comes and goes as it pleases. I have no control over it. I have no idea when it will make a return.

The last eight years have not exactly been happy because of my depression. Why would I want to dwell on the past? Why would I want to think about my unhappy life? No, I am depressed but I am definitely living in the present. Take the other day for example; I was feeling depressed for no particular reason. I had every right to be happy after the week I had experienced but yet I was so sad. That is definitely not the past. I was living in the present. I wanted to be happy but my brain decided I couldn’t.

I do agree that anxiety is caused by looking into the future and worrying about things that have not yet happened and will probably not happen to the degree that is thought. However, my anxiety is something I have no control over. It is just the way my brain is programed. Don’t you think I have tried to shut off my worrying? If it was that easy, I would not have anxiety.

Yes, anxiety is when a person is focused on the future, but depression is not the past and feeling great is not living in the present. Because lately, my present is depression.

I am Not OK

I am not ok. I was not ok yesterday. This morning, I can not stop crying. My fish did die during the night but I think that in only part of the reason why I am so upset. I blame the rest on depression. Why do I have to feel this way now? I am singing in church this morning and then I am going home to spend time with my family for Christmas. This is not a good time for depression.

Holiday Depression

I thought I would be happy today. I wrote yesterday how awful this week was but since it is now Christmas vacation, I thought my anxiety and depression would take a break too. But when I woke up last night and could not fall back asleep, I knew my problems were continuing.

I have been looking forward to Christmas break for several weeks. It is no secret that I have a very difficult group of students and that this has not been a great year. So that is what I was thinking about in the middle of the night last night. I do not know how I am going to make it through the next half year. And I am also debating about whether I want to come back next year.

And I guess it has been on my mind a lot today as well. That and the fact that I was so lonely today. The only person I talked to today was the person at the gas station. It was such a long and lonely day. But the thing is, I am supposed to go home tomorrow and I am not even looking forward to it.

I wanted to cut tonight but I managed to talk myself out of it and just used a marker to draw lines on my wrist. I was unable to participate in the Lines Project because as a teacher of third and fourth grade, I cannot be promoting self injury. So I guess I killed two birds with one stone.

I just do not understand why I feel so depressed when I should be happy. I have every right to be.