I thought I would be happy today. I wrote yesterday how awful this week was but since it is now Christmas vacation, I thought my anxiety and depression would take a break too. But when I woke up last night and could not fall back asleep, I knew my problems were continuing.
I have been looking forward to Christmas break for several weeks. It is no secret that I have a very difficult group of students and that this has not been a great year. So that is what I was thinking about in the middle of the night last night. I do not know how I am going to make it through the next half year. And I am also debating about whether I want to come back next year.
And I guess it has been on my mind a lot today as well. That and the fact that I was so lonely today. The only person I talked to today was the person at the gas station. It was such a long and lonely day. But the thing is, I am supposed to go home tomorrow and I am not even looking forward to it.
I wanted to cut tonight but I managed to talk myself out of it and just used a marker to draw lines on my wrist. I was unable to participate in the Lines Project because as a teacher of third and fourth grade, I cannot be promoting self injury. So I guess I killed two birds with one stone.
I just do not understand why I feel so depressed when I should be happy. I have every right to be.