Stressed-out Teacher (and it is only Monday)

I missed school on Friday so that I could go home to spend time with my family. It was a much needed break. However, when I returned, I had a ton of papers to grade and things to do in order to get ready for the coming week. Thankfully, the students had two specials today so I had an opportunity to get some things accomplished. Usually, on Monday, I use the specials’ periods to try to get ahead for the next week so already behind.

As if that were not enough to make my day chaotic, I had a bunch of student problems. I have several students that did not make much of an effort on their assignments so they will be redoing them tomorrow. I had a couple students that thought they did not need to be nice to each other.  I feel like I have been arguing with students all day. I finally told one student that I would be talking to his mom after school. That immediately stopped his bad attitude but of course I still talked to his mom.

I cannot believe that it is only Monday. I feel like I could use another break even though I just got one on Friday. What I really would like is to cut. I have been clean for thirteen days and I am proud of my accomplishment. But I know I would feel better if I cut. But at the same time, I hate how I am trying to let my problems and my students get to my wrists (literally).

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Is it Time to Say Goodbye?

When I left college, my best friend was worried about what would happen to our friendship. I was not too worried though. We did not live too far away and with Facebook and cell phones, we would be able to talk often. I knew that as long as we worked together, our friendship would survive.

At first, I tried to make sure that we talked about every two weeks. Most of the time, I would wait for her to talk but I would initiate the conversation if it had been more than two weeks. But then there were weeks where I was feeling depressed and felt like such a loser. I did not call during those weeks because I did not want her to know about my problems. I would just call when I was feeling better.

But as time went on, so did my problems. We talked even less as I was dealing with depression and she was busy working. We attempted to get together a couple times but it would rarely work out. Sometimes, it would be because she would cancel. Other times it was because of my mental state.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, we were supposed to hang out over Christmas break and I was not looking forward to it. But then she cancelled because of the weather. I cannot say that I was disappointed. And we have not talked since then.

Today, I was thinking about our friendship and wondering if the relationship really means anything to me. The last time we talked, my friend mentioned possibly getting together to hang out at the amusement park like we have for the last two summers. I realized at that point that I really did not want to do that.

Maybe it is time to say goodbye. We live over five hours apart. We are living two separate lives and really do not have a lot in common. And with my mental illness problems, it is difficult to maintain relationships. I mean, our relationship is not really anything right now. Should I really bother to attempt to save it?

When is it Going to be Summer?

A week ago, I decided I would like to take a day off and come home. I had not missed any days yet and I figured I deserved a break. I really did not think I should need to have a break three weeks after Christmas vacation but lately, I have just hated going to school. I have a difficult group of students and I am extremely anxious each morning about going to school. I am so anxious in fact that I feel like I am going to be sick.

I got last Friday off so I spent Monday evening doing lesson plans. I do not like doing lesson plans on a Monday because things can happen during the week that change lesson plans but I knew it was to be a chaotic week. I had noon duty for the week on top of preparations for being gone.

Tuesday, I woke up exhausted and shaky. I wanted nothing more than to stay home (partly because I was exhausted but also partly because I did not want to deal with my students). I knew those were not valid reasons for skipping work though so I went. And then came home at about nine o’clock because I was not feeling good.

Because I was gone Tuesday, that created even more work for me on Wednesday. And to make matters worse, PE was cancelled so I got even less prep time.

Wednesday was just crazy. I had a ton of papers to grade in my thirty minute break. I also had lesson plans to finish as well as things to prepare for Friday. I stayed late Wednesday at school trying to get it all done. I was not able to though because one of the teachers suggested we got out to eat. Then, when we got done, I had an hour to finish packing, complete lesson plans, and fill my car with gas before choir practice.

I survived the week and was able to have a relaxing three day weekend. Of course, I am not ready to go back to school tomorrow. I just do not know how I am going to make it to summer. It has only been three weeks since Christmas vacation and already I really want a long break.

My Answered Prayer?

A year ago, I was praying every night, asking God to provide me with a teaching job. I was willing to go anywhere for a job. I had been out of college for over a year and I was tired of the application process. I was tired of living at home with my parents. I was ready to make something of my life.

A year later, and I feel like I am being unappreciative of the gift that God gave me. I hate the town where I am living and my students have no respect. I am trying to have a positive attitude about this place. I usually am a positive person when I am not dealing with depression. I keep trying to tell myself that the people in this community are very nice and that the town is much safer than the city where I had been living during the summer. And as bad as my kids are, I try to reassure myself that it is ok because at least I have a job.

But still, I am having trouble staying positive. School has only been back for three weeks since Christmas and already, I took a day off. Every day, I have to force myself to eat breakfast because I was so worried about going to school that I feel like I am going to be sick. And I am counting down until I can leave this town for the summer.

I feel horrible. God brought me here and I just hate it so much. I am questioning God’s plans.

All it Takes is One Comment

Yesterday I was in a really bad place. I was feeling lonely and depressed and wanted nothing more than to cut. I had decided a few days before that though that I was done cutting. I knew it would not be an easy resolution. I had tried to give up in the past and managed to go a couple months before breaking down. But yesterday, I did not care about my resolution. I had only made it five days and really, cutting would make me feel much better. Instead of cutting though, I turned to my blog. That helped for a little while, but did not make the desire go away. I was just about to go cut when I realized that someone had commented on my post, telling me to not give in. Because of the comment, I felt encouraged. I felt like someone cared. And I did not give in!!

Words are powerful. They can have a positive or negative effect on a person. I have been told some pretty hurtful things in the past that instantly turn me towards my blade. But in this case, someone’s words turned me in the opposite direction. Because of that comment, I am proud to say that I am now six days clean in my resolution to stop cutting!!

My Cutting Resolution

It is easy to make a resolution to stop cutting when you are wondering what you should wear to work that day that covers the marks on your arms. You feel a lot differently when you are spending the weekend alone with nothing to do.

I am just so lonely today that I want nothing more than to cut. I know cutting would make me feel better. And since it has only been five days since I have last cut, it is not like I will feel guilty. I would feel guilty if I had been breaking a longer record. I have gone several months without cutting once and I have always felt guilty that I broke down.

Right now, I just feel like I am invisible. Nobody misses me. Nobody really cares. I am all alone in my apartment using food and stuffed animals as company. The TV is the only interaction I really get though.

I pray that I will not give in to the desire. The cuts are still healing from five days ago.

Maybe it is Time to Stop

I have been a cutter for about two and a half years. After about eight months of cutting, I started to think about my actions. I hated how every time I had a problem I would turn to my wrists. I disliked how I was literally letting people hurt me. I also realized that I was becoming addicted. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I decided to stop. That is easier said than done though. It took quite awhile for me not to give in every time the desire struck. But eventually, I could go a couple of months without cutting. Then, I would break down and cut once, regret it, and then go several more months.

I picked up the habit again last August. This time though, I did not regret it when I cut. In fact, I took my cutting to a new level.

Today has been another wake up call that I should probably stop cutting. I had no sweaters to wear today and I ended up having to wear a short sleeve shirt. I just hoped that no adults would get too close. And if my students asked, I would tell them I had been scratched by a cat.

I know it is time to stop. I know it is not going to be easy. I know I am going to be tempted to move to other areas of my body. But it is the right thing to do.

I Hate My Life

I hate my life! My fish died today. I got absolutely no sympathy from my mom. My students never behave. I live all alone in the middle of no where. I suffer from depression, anxiety, trich, and OCD sysptoms. I am also a cutter. I am normally a much more positive person. I just think it is time for things to change. Doesn’t anyone know that I exist?

Everything is Going to Be Alright, but When?

I may be a cutter but I never cut deep enough to make the cuts bleed. I leave large red marks that will usually turn into red scratches over night. I can usually pass off them as cat scratches.

I cut the other day, worse than usual. Since it has been cold, I worse sweaters for the last two days. I figured I would be ok tomorrow. I figured I had better be because I only have two sweaters that I usually wear. I have more but I do not really like to wear them.

But then I got home from school today to discover my fish missing an eye and slowly dying. It sure did not take long. What upsets me most is that he was just a baby.

I just hate my life so much that I took out my problems on my wrist. For the first time, I have bled. There is no way I will be able to wear short sleeves tomorrow.

No, I did not just cut because of my fish. I just am going through a rough time right now. And it is not like my students are helping much. Their behavior has been horrible lately.

I just want to go home. I am tired of living in the middle of no where with no family and few friends. I just want someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be all right and then make it all right. I want to be surrounded by people who actually care about me.

There has always been a saying that I use when I am feeling particularly depressed: Everything is going to be alright; maybe not today, but someday. I just want to know when that is going to happen.

Can’t My Life Get Any Easier?

In the last six months, it seems like everything that can go wrong will go wrong. If my life gets a little bit simple, something comes my way to make it more difficult. It seems like I never get a break. I have written on several occasions about the events of my weeks. Here is the last week:

I really did not want to go to school last week. I had been enjoying my Christmas break too much. After the semester I had, I was not ready to go back to my classroom of students (most of which do not like to behave). The idea of going back caused my great anxiety resulting in my painful stress headaches. But all good things must come to an end and I had to go back to school.

The students were misbehaving the minute they walked through the door on Monday. That is not normal. Usually, they behave on Mondays because they are tired. And their bad behavior just continued throughout the week.

There were two late starts and one early out last week because of the weather. I was all right with this. I wanted the extra time alone away from school. But of course, this just messed up my lesson plans.

I was really looking forward to this last weekend, like always. But on Saturday, I had a visit from an unwelcome friend: Depression. Depression has been fairly rampant in my life. Lately, it comes and goes. I blame Saturday’s episode on loneliness though. I usually spend my weekends all alone. It was enough to bring me to tears several different times on Saturday. And I did not feel much better Sunday.

Every Sunday, I call my mom. I used to love talking to her on the phone when I was in college as well as when I was living with my aunt during the summer, working at the amusement park. But lately, I have nothing to say. I do not want to tell her how I feel like a failure because of my misbehaving students. And right as the phone was ringing, I nearly burst into tears. Thankfully, I managed to control it though.

After ten minutes on the phone, I was ready to end the conversation. That is not normal. We used to be able to talk for about an hour. The call managed to last thirty minutes and then I gratefully ended it. I felt very down though and turned to the only thing I knew that would make me feel better: Cutting.

My wrist looks like I got in the middle of a cat fight. It is cold enough though that I can hide my wrist from everyone by wearing long sleeves.

To make my life even more complicated, I got selected for jury duty today. I was greatly angered by it. I did not even know that I could get chosen because I am not registered to vote. That was the whole reason I chose not to register. But after doing some research, I learned that it does not matter whether you are a registered voter.

The only thing that is really keeping me going right now is knowing that in about five months, I will be able to return to the amusement park and to the job that I love.