In the last six months, it seems like everything that can go wrong will go wrong. If my life gets a little bit simple, something comes my way to make it more difficult. It seems like I never get a break. I have written on several occasions about the events of my weeks. Here is the last week:
I really did not want to go to school last week. I had been enjoying my Christmas break too much. After the semester I had, I was not ready to go back to my classroom of students (most of which do not like to behave). The idea of going back caused my great anxiety resulting in my painful stress headaches. But all good things must come to an end and I had to go back to school.
The students were misbehaving the minute they walked through the door on Monday. That is not normal. Usually, they behave on Mondays because they are tired. And their bad behavior just continued throughout the week.
There were two late starts and one early out last week because of the weather. I was all right with this. I wanted the extra time alone away from school. But of course, this just messed up my lesson plans.
I was really looking forward to this last weekend, like always. But on Saturday, I had a visit from an unwelcome friend: Depression. Depression has been fairly rampant in my life. Lately, it comes and goes. I blame Saturday’s episode on loneliness though. I usually spend my weekends all alone. It was enough to bring me to tears several different times on Saturday. And I did not feel much better Sunday.
Every Sunday, I call my mom. I used to love talking to her on the phone when I was in college as well as when I was living with my aunt during the summer, working at the amusement park. But lately, I have nothing to say. I do not want to tell her how I feel like a failure because of my misbehaving students. And right as the phone was ringing, I nearly burst into tears. Thankfully, I managed to control it though.
After ten minutes on the phone, I was ready to end the conversation. That is not normal. We used to be able to talk for about an hour. The call managed to last thirty minutes and then I gratefully ended it. I felt very down though and turned to the only thing I knew that would make me feel better: Cutting.
My wrist looks like I got in the middle of a cat fight. It is cold enough though that I can hide my wrist from everyone by wearing long sleeves.
To make my life even more complicated, I got selected for jury duty today. I was greatly angered by it. I did not even know that I could get chosen because I am not registered to vote. That was the whole reason I chose not to register. But after doing some research, I learned that it does not matter whether you are a registered voter.
The only thing that is really keeping me going right now is knowing that in about five months, I will be able to return to the amusement park and to the job that I love.