Another Week

I know that I often talk about how it ‘was one of those weeks.’ This week was no exception. I am just tired of it all. I keep waiting for a break. I keep waiting for just one really good day. I keep waiting for everything to be all right. I know some people are going to tell me that I just need to have a positive attitude but mental illness does not care about positivity.

I wrote that on Sunday I contacted the Samaritans through email because I was having thoughts of suicide. The reply did help me feel a little better. I felt like someone actually cared.

I was feeling a little better on Monday (I was no longer feeling suicidal anyway). But my students did not help. They were horrible both Monday and Tuesday. Lately, I feel like all I ever do is discipline.

Another teacher suggested I take Wednesday off and go with her shopping. I was totally for that because I have hardly used any personal days and I really needed a break. But the personal day turned into one major headache (literally) because nobody was available or wanted to sub for my class. Eventually, someone was found.

I got absolutely no sleep Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. That is pretty normal because of all my problems but I figured since I was not going to school on Wednesday, I would be fine.

Wednesday, I had a headache all morning and part of the afternoon. I was just so stressed even on my day off. I just knew that I was going to have a pile of work waiting for me when I got back. That is why I went to the school late that afternoon and grabbed textbooks and papers so that I could get my grading and lesson plans done.

Thursday, my students were surprisingly well-behaved. And yesterday, we hardly had class at all because it was the school spelling bee day.

It was after the spelling bee that caused me stress. I had a student that did not get picked up and finally, the principal had to be called. I was extremely angry because it was after four and as a teacher, I am allowed to leave at three thirty on Fridays.

After this crazy week, I was ready for the weekend. I thought about going home but then decided against it because we have a three day weekend coming up in two weeks (I am just not sure if I can make it until then). So now I am stuck in my apartment all weekend alone with only the idea of chores to keep me busy.

Samaritans Helpline Email

I was doing all right yesterday despite it being a weekend. Usually I am very lonely on weekends. Then, out of nowhere, I just wanted to die. Now, this is not the first time I have thought about suicide. I was having frequent thoughts of suicide in college and actually had a plan. And I have actually thought about death a lot in the last year, but it has never been that sincere. I hate my life but I know that life will be better once it is summer. But yesterday was different. I no longer cared about making it to summer. I just wanted it all to be over right away.

I got online and typed in that I was having thoughts of suicide. There are actually a lot of websites out there that offer advice such as thinking about it for a day or the obvious, call for help. I was most surprised about the one where you can email someone from Samaritans and they will respond. So that is actually what I did.

I sent an email to jo@samaritans.org which is completely anonymous. I felt better after writing about my problems about teaching and hating my life, and they responded. I was told to try to find something positive to get me through until summer (I really am thinking but have yet to find anything in my life that will legitimately help me).

At one point in my life, I never would have thought that I was capable of suicide. Of course, I never thought I was capable of cutting either and now look at me. I am glad that I sent the email. Even though I am only feeling a little better than I did yesterday, I know that I will never regret being alive.

The Real Me

Lately, I have gotten a lot of comments about the real me both on Word Press as well as Booksie. Well, one way to learn more about me is to look at my biography. But just in case that is not enough, I will go into more detail here.

I get the feeling that some people do not feel like I am being real in my writing. I am actually more real in my writing that I post online than I am in person. My name is not actually Kimberly. I write anonymously for two reasons. The first being that by being anonymous, I hope to give glory to God. I actually would like to be a Christian author someday, if it is part of God’s plans. So by being anonymous, nobody will recognize me if I ever do become published. And the second reason I write anonymously is so that I can write about my personal life without the fear of being judged by my friends and family. I feel I can be more open online than I can with my friends.

Like I said, I am a Christian. I formally gave my life to Christ in 2010 and was baptized. It was after I became a Christian that I realized that I wanted to use my love of writing for God. That is when I decided to become a Christian author. It was later that I realized that God was actually calling me to use my gift to also raise awareness for mental illness.

Mental illness is a big part of my life. I found out eight years ago that I had depression and I have had it off and on ever since. From there, my problems have just sort of grown. I have also had problems with anxiety which has helped encourage my OCD tendencies and trichotillomania. From research online, I do not believe that I meet the requirements for OCD but I certainly have some odd behaviors that are similar to OCD problems. And I have also realize recently that I would tear out the hair in my eyebrows without even realizing it due to trichotillomania.

It was because of my mental illnesses that I turned to cutting as a way to deal with my life. Cutting gave me control in my life and served as a distraction from everything I was feeling. After cutting for several months, I started to realize that cutting was a sinful behavior and not the right way to deal with life. I decided to stop but was finding it more difficult than I realized. I did not know that when I started that I was engaging in an addictive behavior. I finally got to the point where I could make it several months before breaking down and cutting once. All that changed though when I moved out on my own and started a new job. I am currently four and a half weeks clean due to the encouragement of one of my followers.

Like I said, I have moved out on my own and taken a job as an elementary teacher. Because I am a teacher, I try to be careful about what I post about what goes on in the classroom. That is about the only area in my life that I am not open about.

I had a hard time finding a teaching job so when this job came along, I took it even though it meant that I literally had to move to the middle of nowhere. I am not enjoying this tiny town and only have one friend that is a teacher and several years older than me. But there are just no other people my age around and not any opportunities to meet people. There is basically nothing in this town.

I often talk about how lonely I am but there is nothing I can do about it. I live in an apartment and cannot have pets other than what I have in aquariums. And because of my depression, I have difficulties maintaining relationships.

So in a little more detail than my biography, that is the extent of me. I am not the most exciting person but that is ok with me because I know God has plans for me and know that He is currently working through me through my writing.

The Faded Scars

I became a cutter about three years ago. It did not happen overnight. In fact, the idea actually crossed my mind several months before I started but I tried to forget that I had ever had the thought. But after being severely depressed for quite awhile, cutting seemed like a good way to deal with my life. At least it was better than suicide, right?

But once I decided to stop, that was a different story. I had no idea when I started that cutting was an addiction. Currently, I am four and a half weeks clean. It has not been an easy month and I do not expect it to get easy in the immediate future.

Right now, I still have a couple faint marks; remnants from a rough night four and a half weeks ago. They are barely visible, even in the right light and I know that by this summer, they will disappear completely. But for now, the marks stand as a reminder of the past self that I am eager to get away from as well as the future self that will no longer have to deal with life by cutting. My new future self does not have to worry about hiding the cuts!

Recycling and Feeling Lonely

This morning, I went to get rid of my weekly recycling and found that I could not get the new compartments on the recycling bin open. It was embarrassing and I eventually had to give up and walk home. Normally, I go right to the grocery store from there but there was no way I was going to take my recycling into the store. It is no wonder why people do not want to recycle.

The incident at the recycling bin just made me feel down though. I mean, I always feel down on weekends but this just added to my day. Despite my dislike for my job, at least I am around people. On weekends, it is just me and the fish. I often talk to myself or listen to music or audiobooks just so I can hear something.

I would feel even worse since today is Valentine’s Day and I have nobody, not even family, but one of my friends invited me to her house tonight, saving me from a pointless holiday alone to one where I will have companionship.

Get Out of This Town

When I first came to this tiny town, I was excited to be moving out on my own and happy that I had a real job. At the same time, I was not very happy about moving to such a small town. I came with a positive attitude though. I was determined to like this town.

Right after I came, I met a lot of people that were excited that I was here. Through all the introductions, I learned several peoples’ ages. I was constantly being told about the 90+ older people in the community. I could not help but think that those people had life figured out. Maybe this community was all right after all.

I did come with a positive attitude, but I know now that this place is not for me. These people maybe have life figured out, but maybe that is because they have not experienced what I have. I know that there is more that the world has to offer and it is definitely not coming from here. I mean, the bank is only open on weekdays until four for goodness sakes! And there is definitely more to life than cows.

I am searching for teaching jobs everyday. I want to move to a larger town closer to my family. This town is definitely not for me. I feel like the theme song to my life is Carrie Underwood’s song, Get Out of This Town. 

I Went to School With Blue Highlighter on My Arm

I am in the process of trying to give up cutting. I say that it is a process because it is definitely not easy. There have been several times that I have been tempted to give in and cut. With a lot of encouragement, I have made it four weeks. It has been a crazy four weeks but I am proud of my accomplishment.

Last night, I was feeling very lonely and knew that I would feel better if I cut. I decided to try something I read about online: Using a marker to draw lines. I got out my blue highlighter and made a couple of marks on my arm. I make them a little higher up because I am always afraid that it won’t wash off and then people will ask a lot of questions.

This morning, I meant to wash the highlighter off but I forgot. Once at school, I realized that I had forgotten to wash. It was too late to do anything about it. Surprisingly, nobody said anything. Of course, it they had, I would feel better lying about highlighter marks rather than cuts.

Valentine Loneliness

I used to have a roommate in college that got ‘depressed’ Valentine’s Day because she was single. She was so desperate to have a boyfriend, especially on Valentine’s Day. I was single that whole time too and was never bothered about the holiday. I knew that I had friends and family close by and that was just as important to me. Plus, I looked at Valentine’s Day as a holiday created by the greeting card companies to make a profit.

This year, especially with Valentine’s Day being on a Saturday, I will be alone. The only people I will get to see are the people at the grocery store. I cannot go home for the holiday and my only friend  has a special someone. The very idea of being alone bothers me. I am lonely every night and weekend anyway. I am not looking for a special someone or even a special day. I just want to spend Valentine’s Day with someone who cares about me.

Thankfully, my friend invited me out on Saturday. I was shocked that she would want to include me on that special day but I am relieved that I do not have to be alone!

I am so Lonely Tonight

I am just so lonely tonight. That is actually nothing new. I am lonely most weekends because I have few friends and am forced to spend the days by myself. I am usually lonely most nights when I get home from school. I am happy to be home from school because I do not have an easy job but the nights just drag on. I eat early, usually with the sounds of an audiobook or Youtube video for company. I usually go to bed early because it is better than spending one more minute alone.

I just want out of this town so badly. I have so few friends and my family is so far away. I find myself searching online for jobs daily, hoping for the opportunity to leave.

I just want to go home. Next weekend won’t work; my parents are away. The weekend after is a possibility, but I could not take off for an early weekend because there is a school even that Friday. I could go home the weekend after, but the weekend after that is a three day weekend.

At the beginning of the school year, I used to be able to go several weeks without going home. I went two weeks after Christmas break before taking a personal day and going home for the weekend. And that was two weeks ago.

I just want to go home. I am so unhappy here.

I Didn’t Cut!

I was not having a good night last night. I wanted to cut so badly. I had made a promise to myself that I would not cut but the promise did not really mean much to me last night. All I really wanted was to feel in control of my problems. I knew I would feel better if I cut. Knowing that people cared about my actions and knowing that they would be upset if I had a breakdown, got me through the night.

It definitely was not easy. I was so tempted to just go grab my scissors. I finally took a risk, went into the office where I keep both my scissors and highlighters, and used a highlighter to make several colored marks on my wrist. I had read about using markers instead of cutting online. I knew it would not really help but at least I was doing something. I decided that if the temptation got to be even worse, I would just take my scissors out to my car that way I would not be anywhere near them.

Eventually, I was able to distract myself with writing and that really helped.

I want to thank you for the encouragement and care though. I could not have gotten through last night without help.