The Real Me

Lately, I have gotten a lot of comments about the real me both on Word Press as well as Booksie. Well, one way to learn more about me is to look at my biography. But just in case that is not enough, I will go into more detail here.

I get the feeling that some people do not feel like I am being real in my writing. I am actually more real in my writing that I post online than I am in person. My name is not actually Kimberly. I write anonymously for two reasons. The first being that by being anonymous, I hope to give glory to God. I actually would like to be a Christian author someday, if it is part of God’s plans. So by being anonymous, nobody will recognize me if I ever do become published. And the second reason I write anonymously is so that I can write about my personal life without the fear of being judged by my friends and family. I feel I can be more open online than I can with my friends.

Like I said, I am a Christian. I formally gave my life to Christ in 2010 and was baptized. It was after I became a Christian that I realized that I wanted to use my love of writing for God. That is when I decided to become a Christian author. It was later that I realized that God was actually calling me to use my gift to also raise awareness for mental illness.

Mental illness is a big part of my life. I found out eight years ago that I had depression and I have had it off and on ever since. From there, my problems have just sort of grown. I have also had problems with anxiety which has helped encourage my OCD tendencies and trichotillomania. From research online, I do not believe that I meet the requirements for OCD but I certainly have some odd behaviors that are similar to OCD problems. And I have also realize recently that I would tear out the hair in my eyebrows without even realizing it due to trichotillomania.

It was because of my mental illnesses that I turned to cutting as a way to deal with my life. Cutting gave me control in my life and served as a distraction from everything I was feeling. After cutting for several months, I started to realize that cutting was a sinful behavior and not the right way to deal with life. I decided to stop but was finding it more difficult than I realized. I did not know that when I started that I was engaging in an addictive behavior. I finally got to the point where I could make it several months before breaking down and cutting once. All that changed though when I moved out on my own and started a new job. I am currently four and a half weeks clean due to the encouragement of one of my followers.

Like I said, I have moved out on my own and taken a job as an elementary teacher. Because I am a teacher, I try to be careful about what I post about what goes on in the classroom. That is about the only area in my life that I am not open about.

I had a hard time finding a teaching job so when this job came along, I took it even though it meant that I literally had to move to the middle of nowhere. I am not enjoying this tiny town and only have one friend that is a teacher and several years older than me. But there are just no other people my age around and not any opportunities to meet people. There is basically nothing in this town.

I often talk about how lonely I am but there is nothing I can do about it. I live in an apartment and cannot have pets other than what I have in aquariums. And because of my depression, I have difficulties maintaining relationships.

So in a little more detail than my biography, that is the extent of me. I am not the most exciting person but that is ok with me because I know God has plans for me and know that He is currently working through me through my writing.

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3 thoughts on “The Real Me

  1. Sorry about my “bull in a china shop” comment on another of your posts. I’ve continued to read (more from your first postings.)

    I want to hang around…to read. I value your story.

    My daughter, who is my first born, told me that she began to suffer from depression around 7 or 8 years old. I was genuinely shocked. I live life slowly…intentionally, yet very simply…still, I had no idea.

    Nothing was manifesting that could have given me clues. She was 15 when she confided this to me.

    At that time, she also told me that she had been “invited” to consider the concept of cutting, online. Thankfully, she was able to withstand that thought.

    She also told me something that diffused the sadness I was feeling, on her behalf. She said that she does “fluid dreaming.” There was a recurring figure she would meet during these times. At one point, he came and sat beside her on a bench (in her dream).

    “Are you Jesus?” she asked him, to which he replied – every so kindly, “Yes.”

    She is turning 17 this week and is beginning to blossom, incrementally, as she is able.

    Like

    • I am glad your daughter has been able to open up to you about her life. My parents actually do not know about my problems. Very few friends know that I have depression. They just think I am weird and then runaway. I have never actually told anyone I know that I am a cutter. That is why I tend to open up a lot here.
      thanks for reading!

      Like

      • I cherish your reply. It gives me insight.

        I was shattered in my early life. It took me until 47 to complete my healing journey. There’s too much to say…but those details are not what is on my mind…

        I have been trained by the Lord to look closely at the details of my life – at least, the ones most highlighted, for that time.

        It is really important to guard your heart…and sometimes, those closest to us can do more damage during sensitive times, than they would ever mean to do. Life and relationships are so messy to begin with…

        Opening up online sounds like a practical gift the Lord is giving you. Your heart is somewhat protected…yet you can pour out your stories, with time to look at your own words from various angles to gain insight.

        Plus, others can receive the gift that is…YOU, without the distractions of daily life.

        By the way, I’m a last born girl, second last born child in a family of ten. Have you ever read the book by Kevin Leman re: birth order? I find it very fun. “Please Understand Me” is a book on personality that I also really enjoyed. These books gave insight, not just about me, but about the different personalities around us.

        These books were entertaining as well (I have a very serious side that needs a good laugh to equalize!)

        Like

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