Last night, I was feeling suicidal. I know that I have everything to live for (a family that cares about me, a job, a home of my own) but all I could think about was my horrible job and this town that I hate. I just could not see how I could get through the next eight weeks of school (especially since it appears that I will have to return next year due to a lack of job postings closer to my hometown). Death just seemed like a better option. It just seemed like God gave me more than I could handle despite what the Bible says.
I contacted the Samaritans through email, writing about my life. It can take about twelve hours to get a response so I did not get a response before I left for school but I did feel better after writing about my problems and knowing that I would get some advice about my problems.
The Samaritans suggested that I talk to school authorities about my problems. I am not sure how I feel about that. I know that if the principal knew that I was having mental problems, he might be more willing to help. But how would the principal respond if he knew I had mental problems? Could I be refused a contract for next year because I have problems?
Like last time I contacted the Samaritans, I do feel a little better. I am still not 100 percent but I am definitely not to the point I was last night. Plus, I did not cut last night despite what I kept telling myself about how it was better than suicide!
I accidentally stabbed myself with my fingernail today on my wrist. Though the pain is minimal, it reminds me of the pain I used to feel after cutting. I will be eleven weeks clean tomorrow which I am really proud of but the pain also made me realize how much I do miss it. I miss the pain and the feeling of taking my problems into my own hands (literally). I know I would enjoy this pain even more if I had purposely caused it.
I have made it too far for me to just throw it all away though. Cutting is not the appropriate way to deal with my problems. It certainly is the easiest way to deal with life though.
When I walked out the door this morning, I heard a noisy cow. The sound depressed me. I hate this ranching community and I do not need to be reminded of my hatred. I feel depressed every time I am reminded of something I do not like. For instance, I feel depressed going home and passing all the fields and pastures. I feel depressed when I have to drive thirty minutes just to do some light shopping.
I really am looking for another job but there is just not much out there. It is frustrating. I hate this school as well. I get no break tomorrow because they cancelled my only special and did not bother to get a sub. Because I have noon duty, I am stuck with my kids all day. The same is true of Thursday as well.
This place is not right for me and I want out so badly. Why did God bring me here? Why do I have to endure this?
For the last two weeks, I have had an opportunity to grow my eyebrows back (partially). The hair was starting to grow and I was proud of them. The only reason they grew back though is because I get the urge to pull when I am talking on the phone. I went home for the last two weekends so I did not need to call home. Last night though, I did need to call. And now the little hairs that had come back are gone. I never used to be aware of when I was pulling but now I know I do it when I am on the phone so I am more watchful of it. I am hoping that will give me more control. I think next week when I call home, I am going to hold on to a stress ball so that I have something to do with my hand which will mean I will not be able to pull.
Everyone seems to be glad that I have moved to this community. I am having trouble understanding why though. It is not like I am really giving back to this community. I go to church and occasionally help out with their events but other than that, I attend church and go to school.
People seem worried that I will not stay though. The other day at conferences, many parents wondered whether I would be back next year. And today at the post office, someone I know from the community asked if I would be staying.
If I had the chance, I would pack up my bags and move tonight. I am still looking for a new job for next school year but am having trouble finding something closer to home. For some reason, there does not seem to be very many open jobs this year.
The thing that bothers me is that many people know that I am lonely. That is why I do not get why people want me to stay here. I get asked about being lonely a lot. But nobody feels the need to invite meto hang out with them. It seems like everyone expects it to be some other person’s responsibility. I know it is partly my responsibility too and that is why I got involved in church and choir. But at the same time, there are very few opportunities for me to get out of my apartment and actually be with people.
I hate this town.
I almost cut today. I think if I had not been at school and wearing short sleeves, I totally would have. One of my students irritated me so much that at lunch time, all I really wanted to do was hide myself in the restroom and cut.
I have not felt the urge to cut in quite awhile. I am currently ten weeks clean and proud of my progress. However, today, I was willing to throw all that away. Thankfully, I have since calmed down and no longer want to cut.
The urge surprised me. I really did miss cutting at first but lately, I have not missed it at all. There are times when I feel the urge to take a marker and draw on my wrist but that is all I want to do. I have had no desire to cut until today.
I know that the desire will never go away completely but after being clean for so many weeks, I have definitely forgotten what it feels like to want to cut.
Tonight, Becky O., a famous Youtube star, will be on 20/20 to talk about her struggle with trichotillomania. She posted a video on her channel earlier encouraging people to tune in tonight as well as to repost the video so that people will be sure to watch and learn about hair-pulling disorder.
As a Christian writer that has made it my focus to raise awareness for mental illness, I know that I should be happy about this episode of 20/20. After all, I had never heard of trichotillomania until last December when I accidentally stumbled on some information. It was only then that I realized that there was a reason I had been tearing out my eyebrows for all these years.
On the other hand though, I am not pleased about this episode. I write anonymously so nobody really knows the real person with mental problems. And despite having bald spots in my eyebrows, nobody has ever asked me about them. I am afraid that the airing of this episode might draw attention to the fact that I have a mental illness; especially if it is mentioned on the episode that trich is related to OCD.
Becky O. is doing the right thing though, even though I am afraid about what it might mean to me. Mental illness is not just about me. It is important for all the people suffering from some type of mental illness.
Somedays, I feel like the entire town knows my secrets even though I am not one to admit my problems to anyone, including my close friends. Lately, it seems like so many people have been asking me how I like the community. Now, I have made it no secret on my blog that I hate this town. But I do not tell that to people here. I do not want to hurt any feelings or have people think that I am not going to be teaching here next year. So rather than say anything negative, I tell people that the people are really nice and I feel safer here. That is the truth.
I do think a lot of people wonder if I am going to stay though, despite whatever I say. I am secretly looking for another job but I have only told three people. I do not think people need to know unless I really do find another job. And again, I really do not want to hurt people’s feelings with any explanations.
Again, despite whatever is coming out of my mouth, I think people are beginning to notice that I am lonely. I guess it is pretty obvious since I live alone and live so far from my family. Plus, there is no one in town my age. My neighbor is a college student working as an intern and many people are trying to convince me to get together with him. I am not looking for a relationship though. I am looking for friends. And since he works at a farm and that is not my area of interest, I doubt we will have much in common. I think though that people want us to get together so that we will both stay.
Another way I know that people know I am lonely is because a lot of people at church were inviting me to the community’s monthly meal today. This is not the first time I have been invited but I have never gone because I always feel awkward at meals; especially meals where I am not very close with any person. I appreciated the invitations today but I am feeling kind of down so I just went home and ate alone. I am at the opposite side of lonely today where I just want to be alone.
I do not get how people are figuring me out. I am not saying anything. I am hiding my problems because I do not want people to judge me. I really do not want my problems out there. Mental illness is embarrassing, despite it being something that is not my fault or choice.
This coming Tuesday, I will have not cut for eight weeks. Or, as I like to think of it, two whole months. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday that I quit. And other ways, it feels like an eternity. There are some days that have been easy and others that have been difficult. Last week, I had a difficult day and cutting was on my mind, but it was really only in the back of my mind. Really, cutting did not seem all that appealing. That is what I hope my life will eventually get to. I do not always want to have this desire. I am proud of how long I have made it and continue to pray that I will resist the temptation. I am done being known as a cutter.