Somedays, I feel like the entire town knows my secrets even though I am not one to admit my problems to anyone, including my close friends. Lately, it seems like so many people have been asking me how I like the community. Now, I have made it no secret on my blog that I hate this town. But I do not tell that to people here. I do not want to hurt any feelings or have people think that I am not going to be teaching here next year. So rather than say anything negative, I tell people that the people are really nice and I feel safer here. That is the truth.
I do think a lot of people wonder if I am going to stay though, despite whatever I say. I am secretly looking for another job but I have only told three people. I do not think people need to know unless I really do find another job. And again, I really do not want to hurt people’s feelings with any explanations.
Again, despite whatever is coming out of my mouth, I think people are beginning to notice that I am lonely. I guess it is pretty obvious since I live alone and live so far from my family. Plus, there is no one in town my age. My neighbor is a college student working as an intern and many people are trying to convince me to get together with him. I am not looking for a relationship though. I am looking for friends. And since he works at a farm and that is not my area of interest, I doubt we will have much in common. I think though that people want us to get together so that we will both stay.
Another way I know that people know I am lonely is because a lot of people at church were inviting me to the community’s monthly meal today. This is not the first time I have been invited but I have never gone because I always feel awkward at meals; especially meals where I am not very close with any person. I appreciated the invitations today but I am feeling kind of down so I just went home and ate alone. I am at the opposite side of lonely today where I just want to be alone.
I do not get how people are figuring me out. I am not saying anything. I am hiding my problems because I do not want people to judge me. I really do not want my problems out there. Mental illness is embarrassing, despite it being something that is not my fault or choice.