I contacted the Samaritans through email for the third time last night after experiencing suicidal thoughts. And because my last email had been less than a month ago, I am still in the system. In some ways, that made me feel better because they have a better idea about what is going on in my life. But in other ways, I do not like it because it means that I have been suicidal twice in the last month.
In my email, I wrote that I hate my job and have been feeling depressed the last several days. They suggested that I either take a break from work or get professional help. I have considered both those options before but neither really work for me.
I do not want to take a break from school because school is over in five weeks. I personally cannot make it five weeks but people in this small community will talk. People will be questioning me about what is going on. They will see my car at my apartment and wonder why I am not in school. There is no way I am going to admit that I have mental health problems. It is none of their business.
Plus, in this small community, there are very few subs. I may not be able to get the days I want. And I am not sure that I really want to use all of my days. The school gives us twelve days a year. I have already used three. I am just afraid that some time I might get really sick or something and then run out of days.
The Samaritans also suggested I get professional help. I know I should. I have been depressed off and on since I was sixteen. I am just afraid that no one will believe me. My depression symptoms started about a week ago. Depression is supposed to be for at least two weeks. It has been eight years if you count all the previous episodes. Or, you could include the two suicidal thoughts from this month and say that I have been depressed for about a month.
The thing is, my depression has been fairly mild. I am able to go about my daily life. I still get my chores and school work done. I get out of bed each morning (not willingly) after hitting snooze only once. I am afraid that my idea of depression might be someone else’s idea of just not coping with life appropriately.
In my eyes, my brain is the problem but to what, I am not sure. I believe that my brain is not programmed right. My brain does not know how to handle the world around me. That is why I turned to cutting and am constantly tearing my eyebrows out. Do I really have a chemical problem or do I just have a problem with the world?