I Just Want to Cut

I have never wanted to cut more in the last fourteen weeks than I do now. The thought came to me last night and is still with me this morning. My brain is trying to come up with alternatives to actually cutting but they are stupid suggestions because it would still be considered self harm.

My brain is begging me to grab my old letter opener and just make a tiny scratch on my arm. I guess my brain thinks this is acceptable because I actually switched to scissors quite awhile ago and I make way worse than tiny little marks.

The other thing my brain is suggesting is using my fingernails to make tiny scratches. I have used my fingernails in the past when I did not have my cutting instruments. The fingernail idea actually scares me the most because I am afraid I will snap. And it is not like I have to get up and actually get my fingernails.

I did go get the blue highlighter that I normally use when I want to cut but it is not helping me feel better right now. I am so afraid that I am going to break down after 14 weeks. I have made it so far. My record is about four months and I so look forward to breaking it. I am so close. I am just really struggling right now though.

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3 thoughts on “I Just Want to Cut

  1. You may want it now, but you will regret it so much later, trust me. You are about 2 weeks away from breaking your 4-month record. You can do this, I believe in you.
    I understand the fingernail thing. Trim your nails, it will make it easier not to use your nails to hurt yourself (I’ve had to do this myself). Painting your nails may also help you.
    Go for a run/walk, sit outside for a bit. Get some air, go grocery shopping, call someone. Do anything you can to distract yourself. The urge will not last.

    Liked by 1 person

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