The other day, I thought about myself as a former cutter. The word former really threw me. I did not think of myself as a former cutter. I have been a cutter for the last few years and I have never made it an extensive period of time before giving in to the temptation. The word former could never have been used to describe me. Until now that is.
I have been clean since January 5. I have never made it that long without cutting since the day I began, despite trying to stop on several occasions. I kind of like thinking about myself as a former cutter. Unfortunately, I am also afraid to use the term. Right now, I am fairly happy. Cutting is far from my mind. But I am afraid that after this summer, I will go back home to my teaching job and then I will hate my life again. When that happens, cutting will be on my mind constantly.
Last summer, after the great time I had working at the amusement park, it was difficult teaching. That is why I had started cutting again. Even though last year was my first year and hopefully this year will be better, I am afraid that I will feel the same and start cutting again.
I know I do not have to give in to the thoughts. Believe me, not giving in since January has been extremely difficult. There were days when cutting was all that I could think about. But I made it through. And I will hopefully make it through again.
It has been a crazy week. As many of you know, I work at an amusement park during the summer. After the rough year of teaching, I could not wait to leave my tiny town and difficult class to move to the city where I could run amusement park rides for the summer.
I got news that I got promoted at the amusement park a couple weeks ago and this week was my first week. I am not going to be too specific on all of my responsibilities with the intention of remaining anonymous but the main part of my job is training on the rides. I really like it because as a teacher, I get to pass on my knowledge with others. I get a lot of satisfaction watching someone successfully run a ride. I was a little frustrated today though when I had some people not really try or stay focused during their training.
I absolutely love my new job. I have gotten the opportunity to learn so many new rides this week. I have a lot of new responsibilities (not going to be specific) and I absolutely love all the learning involved.
I have been very busy and I cannot believe how fast each day goes. That is quite a change from this school year when the days and weeks and months dragged on and all I could think about were my mental problems. Cutting is far from my mind. It is hard to believe that I was even feeling suicidal a month ago.
Today was the last day of school. I cannot believe I made it. Especially since it was just over a month ago when I emailed the Samaritans after feeling suicidal and said that I could not make it through the school year.
It was definitely not an easy day, despite getting out early. This morning, the entire elementary school was going on a short trip. I was dreading the bus trip because last week, my students had to ride the bus to a school event and they were horrible. There is a reason I decided my difficult class was not going on a field trip on our own. Today, I made sure my class was the first one on the bus and then I spread them out so that they were not near other people from our class (except their seat partners and I had planned those groups). Surprisingly, they were well behaved on the way there. It was on the way back that there were problems but it was a student from my class and a student from another class.
Once we got back, the students had to eat their sack lunch they had brought from home. This led to an argument because many of the students had packed pop. The school forbids pop at lunch. I know many teachers would probably make an exception since it was the last day but I did not care. My students had had enough sugar from buying things at the concession stand on the trip. Plus, they have horrible behavior all the time. They would use the excuse of having pop in their system to act even worse.
After lunch, we watched a movie and went to recess. Then, finally, the day was over. It was a long day despite getting out early. I have finally made it though. I have made it through my first year as a teacher with very difficult students. I thought this day would never come.
Today was the last day of school. This morning, when the student arrived, they were talking about the upcoming trip as well as the lunch they had packed. Since it was the last day of school, hot lunch was not being provided. The student were to eat their sack lunches once we got back from the trip. Many of them were talking about the pop they had brought. I made it clear right away that they were not going to get to drink it. The school does not allow pop at lunch and I did not care that it was the last day. There was going to be no exception. I might have made an exception if my class was one that was well behaved but after a year with my students, I knew that they would use the opportunity to have pop as an excuse to act wild. Plus, I knew they had brought money to buy junk from the concession stand. It was not like they needed the drink anyway.
One of my students would just not drop it. On the trip, he argued several times that he was going to have nothing to drink. I told him he could have water. He also argued several times after we got back. I finally told him that if he wanted to argue, he could go talk to the principal.
I do not understand why parents allow their kids to have pop. My mom only let me have it when we went out to eat. It was a special treat. I never would have gotten one in my lunch box. I was lucky if I even got a juice pouch.
One time, at a school concert, I saw one of my students that has ADHD drinking pop. Another teacher and I were astounded. This kid has enough energy and focus problems. He does not need the extra stimulant of caffeine and sugar.
Since I did not allow the kids to have their pop, they can just have it at home. Maybe now parents can have a taste of what I had to go through this entire year.
Every Sunday night, I eagerly pick up my phone to call my mom for our weekly talk. But then I put the phone down. I am forgetting something. I am forgetting my stress ball. I am the only person I know that has to use a stress ball to make a phone call. But if I don’t have it, I will be missing an eyebrow by the end of the conversation.
I have trichotillomania, hair pulling disorder. I discovered that I tend to pull when I am on the phone so I have recently decided to try having the ball in my hand from the very beginning. My hand often gets sweaty and I am tempted to put it down. But I know what will happen if I do.
I used to like stress balls as a kid. But now, I look at it with resentment. I hate the reason why I have to use it. I hate how I cannot make a phone call like a normal person.
My stress ball fell on the floor tonight right after I had dialed the number. Because my phone was charging, I could not get it. I was actually kind of happy to see my ball out of reach. I did end up pulling a little. I was conscious of my hands most of the time which did help. If I had not put in all that thought, I probably would have done major damage to my eyebrows. I have so much resentment towards my stress ball but obviously I do need it.
Shortly before Easter, my hermit crab completely buried himself. I knew what this meant because I have had several hermit crabs over the years. I knew that my hermit crab was going to molt and shed his exoskeleton. Plus, I had noticed him drinking a lot of water before so this just confirmed my suspicion.
After he buried himself, I put a cardboard divider in the tank to separate him from the others and got out a second water bowl.
I was not pleased that my hermit crab was going to molt right before Easter. Because of the long weekend, I had planned on taking them to my parents’ house and I knew that I would not add to a molting hermit crab by taking him on long car ride. I would take the other ones home which would mean setting up another tank.
The day before I left for Easter though, I dug up my hermit crab. I know you are not supposed to do that but I had my doubts that he had molted. And sure enough, he had not. So we went home for break.
But then he buried himself again when we got back. I set up the divider again but then a few days later, he unburied himself. I was getting tired of this game.
Yesterday, a month after he started showing signs of molting, I awoke to find that he finally had molted. And rather than bury himself, he did it in the middle of the tank. I set up the cardboard divider again but after watching one of my healthy hermit crabs try to climb it twice, I had to take them out and set up a separate tank.
I am glad that he finally got around to molting. I am planning on leaving in two weeks to work for the summer and I really did not want to transport a hermit crab that was not feeling well (I have the grape-sized crabs and they recover after about a week).
Yesterday, I learned that I got a promotion at the amusement park where I work during the summer! I will still be dealing with rides, but now I will also be doing training. I am very excited but also nervous at the same time.
I was approached about the promotion in the middle of last summer but because I had to leave before the end of the summer so that I could get settled and start my teaching job, I was told to email the supervisor next summer if I was still interested. In the meantime, they gave the job to another girl my age that also had two years of experience.
There was a lot of bitterness from the other employees last year when the girl got promoted. Even though the girl had not asked for it, people were blaming the girl saying she got the promotion because she was pretty. That had nothing to do with it. They were also mad that she only had two years of experience. The girl got the promotion because she was constantly volunteering to work double shifts and because of it, she knew a lot of rides for a second year. Plus, she was a nice person.
Because of people’s bitterness and the fact that I have always loved my job as a ride operator, I was not sure that I wanted the promotion. The last couple weeks, I have been praying to God, asking for some direction on the whole situation. The answer finally came at the beginning of this week when I called the amusement park, asking if I could change my start date. I was told that I would have to contact my supervisor through email. I decided since the supervisor last year had told me to send him an email about the job, I might as well take that as the answer to my prayer. I emailed my supervisor about my start date as well as a reminder that last year he had told me about the new job.
I got the answer yesterday that I could have it. Like I said, I am excited, but I am also nervous. I know a lot of rides, but I am also worried how my friends will take it. I guess they are not real friends if they cannot be happy for me. I am sure I will be fine. God brought this opportunity to me for a reason.