The other day, I thought about myself as a former cutter. The word former really threw me. I did not think of myself as a former cutter. I have been a cutter for the last few years and I have never made it an extensive period of time before giving in to the temptation. The word former could never have been used to describe me. Until now that is.
I have been clean since January 5. I have never made it that long without cutting since the day I began, despite trying to stop on several occasions. I kind of like thinking about myself as a former cutter. Unfortunately, I am also afraid to use the term. Right now, I am fairly happy. Cutting is far from my mind. But I am afraid that after this summer, I will go back home to my teaching job and then I will hate my life again. When that happens, cutting will be on my mind constantly.
Last summer, after the great time I had working at the amusement park, it was difficult teaching. That is why I had started cutting again. Even though last year was my first year and hopefully this year will be better, I am afraid that I will feel the same and start cutting again.
I know I do not have to give in to the thoughts. Believe me, not giving in since January has been extremely difficult. There were days when cutting was all that I could think about. But I made it through. And I will hopefully make it through again.