Former Cutter

The other day, I thought about myself as a former cutter. The word former really threw me. I did not think of myself as a former cutter. I have been a cutter for the last few years and I have never made it an extensive period of time before giving in to the temptation. The word former could never have been used to describe me. Until now that is.

I have been clean since January 5. I have never made it that long without cutting since the day I began, despite trying to stop on several occasions. I kind of like thinking about myself as a former cutter. Unfortunately, I am also afraid to use the term. Right now, I am fairly happy. Cutting is far from my mind. But I am afraid that after this summer, I will go back home to my teaching job and then I will hate my life again. When that happens, cutting will be on my mind constantly.

Last summer, after the great time I had working at the amusement park, it was difficult teaching. That is why I had started cutting again. Even though last year was my first year and hopefully this year will be better, I am afraid that I will feel the same and start cutting again.

I know I do not have to give in to the thoughts. Believe me, not giving in since January has been extremely difficult. There were days when cutting was all that I could think about. But I made it through. And I will hopefully make it through again.

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3 thoughts on “Former Cutter

  1. Try to just focus on the present. Things are going well for you, enjoy it. Worry about the fall when it comes. For now, enjoy your current job!
    Also, it makes sense to me that this next school year may be easier for you because you’ll know what to expect.

    Like

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