I have been out of school since December of 2012. Even though my teaching certificate does not expire until 2017, I knew that I needed to get going and take a class to renew my teaching certificate. Some people suggested that I take summer classes but I knew that would not work for me. During the summer I have my amusement park job. And I am not giving that up for anything. That job is what has kept me living when the depression got tough. Knowing that I would one day return to my job kept me going.
I looked into different endorsements and master classes but could not decide what to do. I really did not want to go back to school. Last time I was in school, I was so severely depressed that I wanted to kill myself. That was at the time that I became a cutter.
I knew that I would not be able to handle going back to school and working at the same time. I could not handle it in college and knew that I would not be able to handle it now. That is when I read about self-paced classes. I did the research and decided that I could probably handle a self-paced class. I could work when I had free time and not really have any deadlines.
The other night, I did some thinking about my self-paced class. I was kind of looking down at myself. I graduated as valedictorian in high school. In college, I graduated summa cum laude and gave the commencement address. And here I was, not going for my masters. People might look down at me too, but I know why I am doing it. I am taking a self-paced class because that is all my mental health will allow. And isn’t a self-paced class and life better than a masters, suicide, and cutting?
My antidepressant is starting to work for my depression, but unfortunately not for my anxiety. It is definitely an odd feeling, not to be depressed anymore. I do really like it though. I have suffered from depression for far too long. I like having my life under control. I like feeling normal emotions.
The other night though, I was thinking about this town and how much I hate it. I could not help but feel depressed. Tears came to my eyes. I was kind of shocked that I could be feeling this way. But then I realized that my antidepressant is not going to change the environment around me. The antidepressant is only going to allow me to feel normal. And normal means feeling sad that I live in this town. My antidepressant cannot fix that unfortunately. Only I can fix that. And believe me, I am praying that I can get a different job next year so that I can move.
The art teacher quit last school year and another one was not hired to take her place. Instead, the elementary teachers are expected to teach art once a week. When I first heard that, I was a little upset. I am not really into art. I quit taking art classes once I reached seventh grade. I took a required art class when I was in college and I definitely was the worse student. I just hate art.
About once a month last year, I would have my students make a simple project to hang on the bulletin board but that was as far as it went. This year though, we are expected to have them do an art project once a week. It is very frustrating because I had a very difficult time coming up with a project once a month. Now, I have to come up with something once a week. To make matters worse, I teach two grades. I cannot reuse the projects I did last year because half of my class already did them.
School has just barely begun so I am really freaking out about coming up with art project ideas. To complicate matters, one of the other teachers won’t leave me alone about other art expectations. There is an art show next spring so we are expected to save a couple students projects for the show. The teacher keeps telling me how to label their projects. I do not even have any projects to save yet! Plus, I know how to label their projects.
Plus, the same art projects have to be saved for the county fair after they are used for the art fair. But, they have to have different labels. The same teacher is not leaving me alone about that too. Honestly, I do not know if I will be here for the fair next year. Sure, I will go to the effort of getting their projects ready just in case but I am just getting annoyed with the other teacher right now.
This art stuff is more trouble than it is worth. I know that art is important for students but since I already teach two grades, I feel like I already have enough responsibility.
My parents are coming to visit tomorrow for my birthday. I am really excited. They have never been to my apartment before I officially moved in. But the first thought that came to mind when I learned that they were coming is that I must hide my antidepressant. I have finally come to terms with taking it but I am not ready to let other people know. Right now though, I have a hard time remembering to take it so I do not want to hide it away because then I won’t remember to take it tomorrow night.
Today is day 11 of my antidepressant. The last eleven days have definitely been interesting. When I first started taking it, I kind of had a hard time accepting the fact that I had a problem and needed to take medicine for it. I took my medicine every day without hesitation but the idea was still difficult for me. And I really do not understand why because I have had depression and anxiety for years.
On day three, I realized that I had been clenching my jaw nearly all day. It was only that one day that it was a problem though I still do it lightly.
Shortly after that day, I realized that I felt more depressed than when I started. I did some research online and learned that that happens and has to do with the brain chemicals.
Today, I am actually feeling a little better. I am not sure if that has to do with it being the weekend and my birthday or that maybe my medicine is actually going to start working. I am excited to have my life back. I am having trouble being patient until that day arrives.
Thanks to the encouragement from one of my followers, I went to the doctor today for my anxiety. I called this morning and the earliest I could get an appointment was 4:30. That is not the best thing for someone with anxiety that is afraid of doctors but I knew that I needed to go through with it (even though I was tempted to bail several times).
I am now on two medications. I am on Zoloft that will help with my anxiety and depression as well as another medication that will help with my anxiety until the Zoloft starts to work.
If my brain would allow me to feel happy right now, I would be dancing for joy. I have been depressed and anxious since high school. The doctor asked me today how long ago I had gotten help for my problems and I figured it was 2008. I am ready to get my life under control.
I now understand why I did not get help that day when I was still working at the amusement park and living in the city. I went to try to find a place open on Saturday and was not having any luck. I know understand that while God wanted me to get help and wanted me to go in that day to build my courage, He wanted me to wait until I got back home. I have to call the doctor in a month to tell her how the Zoloft is working. That would not be very easy if I had gone to the doctor in the city and then came back home. But if I had not gotten the courage to go in a couple weeks ago, I never would have had the courage to go through with it today.
A couple weeks ago, I was having serious problems with my anxiety. I was having a very hard time breathing. I knew that it was time to get help. I am afraid of doctors though. I got up the courage to get help one Saturday before work only to find no clinic that treated anxiety on weekends.
I knew that I would have to wait until I got home from my job at the amusement park in order to get help again. I got home late in the afternoon on Monday and I knew that it would be too late to get help. And I figured that today would not be good either because I knew I would be expected to go to school and do some work. I figured I could get away with going on Wednesday though and then go to school for a few hours.
Tomorrow is Wednesday though. I am not sure I should go. My breathing problems have gone away for the time being. Sure, I still have the anxiety that accompanies me every day but it is not major. I have a feeling that it will be major before long though considering school starts in less than a week.
Right now, I am feeling rather depressed and I badly want to cut (so far I have managed to hold off) but I know that my depression is the result of me coming back to this horrible town.
In order to get help though, I have to drive to the neighboring town (another reason to hate this community). Plus, there is construction so this would not be a pleasant trip.
I just do not know what to do.
This evening, one of my teacher friends texted me and asked if I wanted to go on a walk. I really didn’t. I got back to my apartment yesterday after a great summer at the amusement park and discovered that the air conditioning was not working right. By the time I realized it was not working, it was too late to do any calling. So I went to bed with the temperature at 80 degrees. I knew that if I went on a walk, I would get hot and then I would have no where to cool off. But I agreed to go anyway.
The walk really put me down (and that is saying something because I have been feeling down ever since I arrived yesterday afternoon). I walked around town and the teacher talked about all the different people we saw. I did not recognize anyone and did not care about any of the stories the teacher shared with me about things that happened this summer.
The walk just confirmed that I do not belong here. I do not care about the people here. I know it is still early, but I know that depression is inevitable. It is too early for me to call what I am feeling right now depression. Right now, I just have a really negative attitude. I want nothing more than to get out of this place. I really do not belong here. I am not sure I can make it until May.
Friday was my last day at the amusement park. I went to my parents’ house Saturday and then left for my apartment yesterday (Monday). I was surprised that I did not cry on Friday. I just love the amusement park and will not be able to return until next May. I have never been happier than when I am working at the amusement park.
I did cry in the car yesterday on my way to my apartment. I could not believe that God was taking me away from my family and dragging me to a place where I am so unhappy. I know that God does not care about my happiness. I know He does not care about whether I am living in the city or in a tiny town. But I thought He would care about family. Instead, He is has brought me back to the middle of nowhere, so far from my family.
Yesterday in the car, all I wanted to do was cut. Good thing I did not have any sharp objects with me otherwise I probably would have done it while I was driving. I have been clean for seven months. It is definitely odd having the desire because I was so happy at the amusement park. The thought never crossed my mind.
I am trying to have a positive attitude about being back but it is definitely not easy. I hated being here last year and this year, I know what I am getting into. I was so upset last night that I almost cut. Seven months suddenly meant nothing to me. The only thing that stopped me is the thought that God would be disappointed in me for giving in to sin.
I know that God has plans for me here but why couldn’t He consult with me before He made those plans? Because this is definitely not where I want to be. I want to be closer to my family in a town that is much bigger than this one.
I have suffered from anxiety for years. When I was seventeen, I was put on medication for awhile because I was having trouble breathing. I did not stay on it for very long though. My anxiety has continued for years. There have been times where I have thought about getting help. There are times when I get no sleep and can’t get my breakfast to stay down. But I am also afraid of doctors and that is what has held me back. My breathing problems have recently returned though. Yesterday at work, I was struggling to get a deep breath. That is when I knew that this has gone on long enough. I decided it was time to get help. Last night I did some research and figured out where to go. Then, this morning, it took a lot of courage but I got in my car and drove there. And that is when I found out that clinic does not treat anxiety on Saturdays. I was recommended to another place and I had some issues getting there but I finally arrived. That is when I discovered that they are not open on weekends. So I decided to find the second place the first clinic had recommended. They were not open yet and by then I needed to get home.
I want help. I really do. I just had no idea how difficult it would be.