I Admitted I Have Problems

I almost passed out at school today. It is nothing new. I have experienced episodes of low blood sugar before. It comes on so quickly and I usually ignore the warning signs and think they are something else. I ended up having to leave school early because I was not feeling that great. And then my teacher friend insisted that I visit the doctor and that she would drive me. I really did not want to go but she insisted.

Once there, the doctor said my episodes were probably related to my anxiety problems. He decided to up my Zoloft.

When I got done, of course my friend wanted to know what was the problem. And that is when I revealed that I have anxiety and depression. Of course the news startled her. I have hidden my depression from almost everyone. I do not want people to know that I have mood problems and have thoughts of suicide. And even though I am almost nine months clean from cutting, I admitted that I was a cutter. My friend could not believe it. Especially since she knew me last spring when all of these suicidal thoughts were around. I had hid it pretty badly I thought. But apparently she never realized nothing was wrong.

I was kind of scared to tell my friend all of these things. I have never told anyone before that I am a cutter. I have told no one other than my doctor that I have had thoughts of suicide.

I never would have thought that I would tell this particular friend about my problems because her husband is a psychiatrist. But after telling her, I do feel a little better. And really, she is on my side. She knows I am not crazy. She understands that I cannot control my brain. If I could, I would.

It has been a crazy few months. Not only have I gotten for help for my problems, I have also told someone that I have major problems.


I Want a Cat

Ever since I was eight years old, my family has had a cat. Over the years, we ended up with three cats. They were my babies. They were what I lived for. And I found it very difficult when I moved out a little over a year ago because I could not have a cat. My landlord had said no pets. He later made an exception for my hermit crabs and fish because they are kept in small tanks. However, his wife said if I asked he might let me have a cat.

At the time she told me that, a cat was not an option. I lived with my aunt and uncle during the summer while working at the amusement park. Having a cat was not an option.

But next summer, I will be living in a camper while working at the amusement park. Having a cat is possible, if my landlord agrees. However, I am not sure he would allow it. It does say in my contract that pets are not allowed.

Cats are constantly on my mind though. My friend from high school just got a cat and she posts pictures on Facebook all the time. My teacher friend has baby kittens that she does not want. I would love one of them.

Plus, I think having a cat would help a lot with my loneliness. It would make life here bearable. Also, I would have a constant companion.

Art and Now Yearbook

I was very irritated at the beginning of the school year when the principal told all the teachers that because they had been unable to hire an art teacher, we were expected to teach art once a week in our classrooms. I was very angry. I have enough responsibilities to do without the burden of doing art with my students as well. Plus, I am not an artist. It is not like I can go home and make the project and then have an example for my students that looks really well. So far, I have been surviving but nothing we make is very fancy. I am not going out to buy any art supplies. I am making it as easy as I can.

I know that art is important to the students but I do not feel like I should have to be the one that teaches it. I did not go to school for art. I took one class as a requirement in college and I really was the worst in the class (no lie-we had to display our art work).

The next requirement that was thrown at us yesterday is the yearbook. That irritated me even more. We have a high school teacher that is in charge of the yearbook. However, we were all required to download this app that allows us to create two pages for our class in the yearbook. Like I do not have enough to do already?! Now I am supposed to be a yearbook editor too?

I actually never take pictures of my students. With all of the safety laws and whatever, I feel that it is better not to take pictures of them. Besides, with teaching two classes, it is not like I interrupt class to get pictures of them.

I understand why they want us to create our own pages. Since it is usually just a high school requirement to take care of the yearbook, they do not usually get good pictures of the elementary at work. However, I did not sign up for this. My focus is teaching. Not art and yearbook. Why bother teaching the students at all when I have expectations that never came up in college (or in my contract).

How Parents are Hurting Their Kids

As a teacher, I see the best and worst of kids. When I was just visiting classrooms for college, I was quick to blame the teacher for the students’ behavior. But now, I am quicker to blame the parents.

As a teacher, my job is to teach. Sure, I use classroom management to in order to have control of the classroom and help the students learn the most that they can. But when students do not behave, that takes away from learning. It is shocking the behavior from some of the students. I know that I never acted like that. In fact, if my parents found out that I did something terrible at school, I would have been in a ton of trouble at home.

But there are many parents that do not care how their student acts at school. They let their kids act however they want at home. They feel it is the teacher’s responsibility to teach their children to behave.

I look at students in my class that have hit and spit and swore. I have students that constantly say nasty things to each other and always have to things go there way. I have enough to do trying to teach all the standards the government imposes without trying to keep students away from other students and making sure they are growing up to be polite citizens of the community.

There is one student that has ADHD and his mom does not give him his medicine early enough in the morning so he comes to school (late) and then goes crazy for about half the morning. It is no wonder reading and math are not his best strengths. Then, this mother takes this child on trips all the time to visit family and never has him complete homework despite the long car trips.

I look at my students and I sometimes wonder what they will end up being like as adults. Will they have the skills to hold down jobs when their parents never cared about their manners or grades? Will they be able to follow directions given by the boss as well as show the other employees respect? Or will they bounce from job to job because they keep getting fired?

I am not saying that all parents are hurting their kids. There are some parents that care about their student’s grades and actions. There are parents that are really involved at the school and want the best for their kids. But then there are the other parents that you feel sorry for and wonder if they will ever amount to anything.

Skipping Training

On Thursday, the church was having training to run the soundboard at five o’clock. I really did not want to go. I knew I did not want to go a few days before that. I did not want to go because I am always exhausted after school. When I get home, all I want to do is relax and write. I want to put on my pajamas and do things that I enjoy.

I hoped to forget about the training. But the more I tried to forget, the more I remembered. But it had not been a good day at school. And I used that excuse to stay home and relax.

The next day, one of the teachers asked me why I did not go to training. She has been telling me ever since I came back after the summer that I needed to get trained so that I can run the soundboard. But I have not been very thrilled about the idea.

Since I want out of this town so badly, I am really avoiding things like the training because I believe that after less than a year, it will have been worthless. I think it is a waste of time to invest training in me when I will be of very little help. I know that is the wrong attitude to have though because I am still here for several more months. Plus, maybe the training will help me wherever I end up next.

I just do not want to commit to soundboard training. What happens if I end up on the list and then all of a sudden the Sunday I am supposed to run it, I want to go home. That sometimes happens where I want nothing more than to go home. With very little warning, I am out of here. I do not want to be committed to something and then not be able to fulfill my need to go home.

Goodbye to My Computer

My senior year in high school, my parents gave me an old desktop computer to take to college. It was a Windows XP from 2003. The computer was old and slow, but it did its job. Plus, it did not cost me anything. I could not afford a laptop.

People made fun of my computer often but I tried not to let it bother me too much. I could not afford a laptop. There were times that my computer was so slow but I would turn it on and then go do something else until it had a chance to get going. It made it through my three and a half years of college.

Once I got home from school, I no longer had internet on my computer. Mostly, it was used for games and for my writing.

I took my computer with me when I got my teaching job a year ago and put it in my apartment. I got internet for my apartment. At first, I planned on using my personal computer for anything personal such as Facebook and writing. But my computer really was not handling the internet very well. There were a bunch of updates needed since there had not been an internet connection for a couple years. Often, the internet would not load.

It got to the point that I only used my school computer. I would only get on my personal computer to store documents.

The other night, I went to load some files onto my desktop and every program I tried to open would open really slow and freeze often. This had been happening for awhile. I finally realized that it was time to say goodbye.

Last night I cleaned through the documents and deleted everything that was on there. It was so sad deleting folders that I had worked so hard to put together. Even though my files are backed up online, it was still a sad moment.

I am also sad to say goodbye to my computer. It does still work. It just does not like to work.

Suicide Awareness

As September is suicide awareness month, many of my Facebook friends have been posting the same status about showing support for people going through tough times. It is a great way to raise awareness for suicide but at the same time, I hate it. I do not like it when people post the same status as a way to show support. To me, it seems like an easy way for people to take credit for something that may or may not be important to them. It could just be a trend that everyone does because all of their friends are doing.

It also bothers me because I am not sure if the people that post it are really up to the challenge of being supportive to a friend going through a rough time. I lost many of my friends because of my depression. They did not realize what was going on and after awhile, they distanced themselves from me. I already feel very alone when I am depressed. I need people that care about me in order to help me feel better.  Are the people that posts that status willing to stick by a friend that is depressed? It is a tough challenge. One of my old high school teachers posted the post. It makes me wonder where those people were when I was depressed in high school? Do they really know what depression even is? Because when I was in high school, all she ever told me was that it was good when I smiled.

I am all about raising awareness for depression and suicide. But I think we need to say more than we want to be supportive. In order to be supportive, a person needs to understand the symptoms and how to help. That is what our world really needs.

My Weekend at the Wedding

Several months ago, I was invited to a college friend’s wedding and asked to be a guest book attendant. I agreed and invited a friend to go with me. However, as the wedding approached, I wanted to go less and less.

I had been feeling depressed at the beginning of the week. Plus, I was dreading a four and a half hour drive to get to the wedding. I also did not want to drive in a large, unfamiliar city. Then, there was the issue that of not knowing anything about being a guest book attendant. Finally, I was going to be hanging out with girls that I knew in college but we were not extremely close.

I arrived at the hotel on Thursday where I would be staying with the bride and some bridesmaids. At first, all they could talk about was drinking and I was worried that I had made a mistake in coming. But then we ended up going to rehearsal and the dinner and things changed. I started having fun.

On Friday, we got our hair done and that was just as fun. Afterwards, when all the bridesmaids left to go to the church, I went to a different hotel to meet one of my friends that was coming with me. Before we could even catch up though, she locked her keys in her car and we had to wait for someone to come help her.

Once we finally could get in her car, we checked in at the hotel, got ready, and went to the church.

Being a guest book attendant really was not that bad. Plus, the wedding was really nice.

After the wedding, we went to the reception. Again, I had to work the guest book. And again, it really was not that bad.

I had another problem though. I take my Zoloft around 5:30. I could not take it in the car though right after we arrived because I did not want my friend to ask any questions. And I could not take it at the reception because I had no water. Finally, I got the brilliant idea of asking my friend to bring me water to the guest book table and I was able to take my medicine without any questions.

People have told me that I should be honest with my friend and tell her that I have mental problems. But she is one that would not understand. She judged another friend in college that was a former cutter. I am a former cutter that is depressed and anxious. I have OCD and tear out my eyebrows. She would abandon me if she knew my problems. She would be too afraid of my mind.

Anyway, I was able to take my medicine peacefully and enjoy the reception. We left at about 9:30 though because neither of us are really into partying. We went back to the hotel and went to bed.

This morning, we planned on going swimming but we could not get our key to open the door. It turned out the pool was down for maintenance. The funny thing is, the woman who checked us in told us the pool hours yesterday. We had tried to look at the pool yesterday but also could not get the card to work. I do not get why she told us the hours instead of that the pool was down.

So because we could not go swimming, we left early and I made the four and a half hour trip home. I am so glad I went though. It was great seeing my college friends. I am glad depression and anxiety did not interfere with this event.

Who Am I?

Who am I? I am often sad, anxious, and missing my eyebrows. I am often described as strange because I have a certain routine and order to my life that is unnatural. I have problems, just like the rest of the world. My problems are often misunderstood though. Yes, I have depression, anxiety, trichotillomania, and OCD. Yes, I have mental problems. However, I am Not a mental problem. I am not depressed. I am not OCD. I am not defined by my mental illnesses. My problems are just a small part of who I really am. I am a human. I deserve to be treated like a human. I am no different from anyone else.

My Zoloft One Month Later

I have been on Zoloft for a month. The doctor told me to call her after a month to let her know how it was working. At first, I was feeling more depressed than before I started taking it. But after awhile, I began to feel better. In fact, I actually felt normal. I could not remember ever feeling that way. I really enjoyed it. I liked feeling sad for actual reasons. I also enjoyed the happiness that I had not truly experienced in so long.

I did not think that the Zoloft was really helping my anxiety though. I had also been given Ativan to help with the anxiety until the Zoloft started working. I did not take it every day but I still relied on it quite often.

Plus, the other day, I realized that I was actually feeling depressed again. After feeling better for probably two weeks, I suddenly felt like my antidepressant was not working.

I called the doctor yesterday and said that I was still very anxious. I got put on an increased dose. Hopefully, it will not make me feel even more depressed like when I first started taking it. Hopefully, this time, it will work.