I have been on my new antidepressant for a little over a week. It has not been an easy time. It was difficult coming off my old antidepressant (I will talk about that later). Plus, I had not been feeling well before that time. It began when I got my dosage increased. I have felt depressed for the last couple weeks. I have not wanted to go to school and I count down the hours until I can go home. I fake a smile with all of my students. I struggle to concentrate on anything they say or do.
Because of the way I was feeling, I did not go home for fall break. To my family though, that was ok because I had relatives coming the next weekend. But I was not sure I would be mentally capable of going home and faking smiles. Surprisingly though, I did go home and actually enjoyed myself. Going home was actually good for me. I thought that maybe my antidepressant was starting to work.
Sunday night, I was actually pretty calm. I never feel that on a Sunday night. However, at school on Monday, I realized that I was not really feeling that well. I was still feeling depressed. Today was more of the same. I am thinking that maybe my anxiety is lowering. I feel different. Yes, I am still depressed but not nearly as anxious. However, today, towards the end of the day, I started feeling a little better. I actually had a couple real smiles.
I just need to continue taking everything one day at a time and eventually, I will notice God’s healing through the form of my antidepressant.
This afternoon was parent teacher conferenrces (joy). That was part of the reason why my friend was so worried about me coming off my antidepressant. I did all right though. Until one of my student’s parents came in that is.
This girl is very intelligent and very nice. I had no bad things to talk about with her parents. But then at the very end, her parents said that her brother, who is two years older and in a different classroom, was being picked on by a student in my class in the restroom. Honestly, the comment did not surprise me. However, it was what the parents implied that bothered me. Pretty much, they accused me of letting the boy go to the restroom too much and that I am not watching the kids. They also said that because the boy’s desk is in the back of the room (because he cannot handle being near the other kids) that he waits to use the restroom when he sees the other kid come out of his classroom.
First of all, this kid does use the restroom all the time. But he really does need to go. And he only asks to go when I am done teaching and it is his work time. Second, I cannot babysit the kid all the time. I especially cannot watch the kid ten times a day while he goes to the restroom. Third, the other student’s teacher only allows her students to use the restroom twice a day so I cannot believe that this student has really had that many encounters with my student. Fourth, the kid is very tall so I cannot believe that my student would have that much courage to pick on someone. Finally, the parents of the boy supposedly being picked on is encouraging him to stand up for himself in self defense. I am sorry but self defense is not going to fly with me. I will send any kid that harms another kid to the principal no matter what the circumstances might be.
I was really upset by how mad the parents were at me for not doing anything. How can I stop something that I do not know about. And plus, why has the kid not said anything to his teacher?
Yes, I know my student is a bully. And nobody has no idea what lengths I go through to ensure that he is unable to harm anyone, physically or verbally. But I am unable to catch everything. And really, I am not getting the support I need from his parents or the principal. So I will do what I can, when I can. However, in the end, I am going to need some help.
My landlord said that I could have one of my friend’s kittens! I am so excited to welcome Shannon into my apartment! She could not have come at a better time. Last night, I was feeling the effects from withdrawing from my antidepressant. I will write more about that later but let me just say that it is absolutely horrible. I am lucky that I did not cut. But after the torture of last night and now beginning my new antidepressant, hopefully Shannon will get me through the tough times.
I am actually surprised that I asked my landlord. My friend kept asking me if I had asked but with my anxiety problems, that is something that is not easy for me. I kept putting it off and finally, my friend told me the kittens were going this weekend. I knew that if I was going to get one, I needed to get the courage to ask. My friend suggested that I ask my landlord’s wife and that she would be able to talk him into letting me have a cat.
Last night, I finally worked up the courage to call their home phone and nobody picked up. I tried calling several more times and finally just ended up texting her. She told me she would ask her husband and she got back to me this morning. I am glad that she hurried.
I keep thanking God for bringing a wonderful gift into my life!
With feeling depressed all week, the chores got abandoned. And normally, I have different chores to complete on Saturday. But I knew based on the way I was feeling yesterday that they wouldn’t get done again.
I ended up going to my friend’s house for most of the day yesterday. That was better than sitting in my chair all day watching videos on my computer because I lacked the energy to do anything.
Once I got home, it was getting late. However, I actually had some energy and was able to finish the laundry and clean the sink. I hoped that the energy would continue.
Today I woke up feeling not myself but at least with a little energy to do something. I actually got the vacuuming done. I hoped that after church, I could accomplish even more. But then suddenly during church, the tears came and I knew that my afternoon plans had just been changed.
I am right now coming off my antidepressant. I took nothing yesterday and I will take nothing today. I know that my medicine has a half life and that there is still a little in me but I am still feeling the effects. I want to cut so badly. I also have a headache. I lack the energy to do anything.
The dishes are piling up in the sink. Unfolded laundry is waiting in the dryer. Chores are piling up around me and yet I do not care. I have made nothing but very simple meals all week. I know depression is consuming me.
Going to school is difficult every day. I really do not want to be there. I put on a fake smile and reluctantly help the kids. In the meantime, I make a lot of mistakes because I am unable to focus. It is not their fault by brain does not work right.
I have always enjoyed writing and try to write every evening. I do not remeber the last time I have written.
This is a three day weekend. I am actually not going home though. I used to live for these weekends. Now, I could not care less.
I have not cut in nine months. Yet my fingers inch for something sharp on my wrist.
My doctor has me coming off my antidepressant so that I can start a new one soon. I felt depressed before I started coming off. I am really hoping the new medication will work. But in the meantime, I feel so helpless as I come off my medicine. I feel like I should be doing something instead of nothing.
After getting my antidressant bumped up two weeks ago, the doctor asked me to return. I had no intention of returning. I had high hopes that the medicine would finally work. Plus, doctors just increase my anxiety. However, as the two weeks approached, I knew that I really did not have a choice. The medicine was causing drastic side effects. Also, I was even more anxious and depressed than before.
I ended up emailing the Samaritans last night, asking for advice. They encouraged me to get help, telling me to remember how I felt shortly after I got put on the medicine. Today, if was not entirely sold on the idea until my friend asked me if I was going today. So I made the appointment.
The doctor told me to start weaning off my current antidepressant. Then, I will begin a new one. The idea of weaning off terrifies me. I have no idea what to expect. I will wean off the old one in just six days. I go down fifty milligrams every two days. For two days, I will not even be taking any medication. I know that my medicine has a half life so there will still be some in my system but it still scares me. What if the side effects are really bad?
My friend called me shortly after I got home. She was also scared about the idea of me coming off my old medicine, especially since conferences are next week. She also asked me what made me so anxious. I finally told her that I have OCD tendencies. My friend also knows that I have trichotillomania. She surprisingly never noticed that I have bald spits in my eyebrows.
to help me feel better, my friend brought over one of her kittens. She agrees with me in that a cat would be good for me. I even told her about emotional support pets.
I am not feeling that great right now. Actually, I did not feel that great yesterday either. Ever since I got my medicine increased, I have experienced some unpleasant side effects. But yesterday, I began feeling a little depressed. I just contributed it to being lonely because it is the weekend. But I feel the same today, if not a little worse. I know I am not lonely because I saw my friend yesterday and today and also saw many people at church. However, I have cried today for no reason and have thought about using my highlighter (instead of cutting because the idea of cutting really is not that appealing to me right now).
I have to call my mom in a little more than an hour. I am dreading the call because I am not feeling very good and not sure I can fake it. Despite the encouragement I have received about telling my parents about my depression, I am not ready. And tonight is definitely not the night with me feeling this way.
I am dreading school tomorrow. I am not sure how I can even fake a smile, let alone deal with the kids.
I have mentioned before that I badly want a cat but can’t because I live in an apartment. I feel that a cat would be beneficial though. I feel that it would help me with my depression and anxiety. It would help me not to feel so lonely. I read online that people living in apartments can get notes from their doctor to give their landlord which states that the person needs the pet rule waived because they need an Emotional Support Animal.
One of my friends has kittens and wants to get rid of them. I want one so badly. Especially since I am going through so much with my depression and anxiety lately. I just know that a cat will help me a little better. Of course, even if I had the courage to get the note from my doctor, I doubt I would have the courage to give the note to my landlord. Anxiety is stupid that way.
I can picture the kitten though. I even have a name for it. And I can picture myself changing mentally because of the cat.
I have made it no secret that I hate my town. I hate how small it is. I hate how far away my parents live. I hate what the community stands for. I have complained about that often. And once I returned from the city this summer, I knew that I desperately needed out of this place. I was looking for teaching jobs for next year in September. I prayed to God and asked Him to help me tolerate this town until May. I never asked to like this place. I only wanted to get through the school year. Then, I would pack up my things and never look back.
However, God took my prayer to another level. The other day when I nearly passed out at school, my teacher friend insisted on taking me to the doctor. That is how I ended up revealing that I have anxiety and depression. I told her that I have had thoughts of suicide and am a former cutter (nine months clean!).
Something in me changed that day. Maybe it was because I have never admitted my problems to anyone. And knowing that someone actually cared changed me. It made me realize that this community is good for someone. Even though I seriously doubt I could tell anyone else here my problems, at least I have a friend that cares. And I have my doubts that I would find that kind of friend anywhere else. At least in this small town, my friend knows I am all alone and gone out of her way to be my friend.
When I prayed to God asking Him to help me tolerate this town, I never imagined changing my opinion and actually sort of liking the community.
The other day when I confessed to my friend that I had mental problems, she told me that I needed to tell my parents. If I could not tell my parents, than I needed to tell one of my brothers. I cannot tell any of my family though. They would not understand. I know that I thought the same thing about my friend but my family really would not understand. I can imagine how my mom would react if she knew that I had had thoughts of suicide and that I once was a cutter. And my brothers cannot take anything seriously. They would not know how to respond if I told them I have problems.
I know my friend wants me to tell my parents in case something were to happen. She thinks they would be very confused because they never would have known that I was depressed or had thoughts of suicide.
I feel like I have taken a lot of big steps this week in even admitting that I have problems. However, I am no where near ready to tell anyone else. I think the important thing is that someone does know. Someone does care. And right now, that is enough.