I like to review my year and discuss my accomplishments. Here is what I managed in 2015:
- Got promoted at the amusement park
- Finished my first year of teaching and surprisingly started my second
- Got help for my depression and anxiety
- Told someone about my depression and anxiety
- Went nearly eleven months without cutting
I am not big into New Year’s resolutions but here are some things that I hope for next year:
- Stop cutting
- Manage my hair pulling with the help of my spinner ring
Yesterday was a rough day for me. Even though I came back to my own apartment, I was still feeling really down. I actually cut before I left my parents’ house. Unfortunately, I did not have my scissors that I normally use. I decided to try using my car keys but that really did not work very well.
Then, the thought of suicide crossed my mind. It was such an appealing thought. I had the necessary resources to carry it out.
I cried several times on the four hour car trip. Then, once I got done crying, I moved on to pulling the hair from my eyebrows out. I am not sure what I am going to do when I go to church on Sunday and school on Monday because I am pretty much missing one of my eyebrows. I have only had large bald spots before.
Once I got home, I contacted the Samaritans through email. I just needed some help.
I really do not feel well. I will be going home this afternoon. I should be happy. I am doing what I wanted. However, I can not totally explain why I feel that I need to go home before Christmas break is even over. I have been feeling a little down lately and today I feel the same way. I even feel like cutting. Why do these feelings have to come right now?
Last night, I read an article on CNN about some parents that were close to retiring and dreaming about traveling the world. Unfortunately, that will be just a dream because they are over 180,000 dollars in debt after helping their two kids through college.
The article frustrated me. My parents made it clear very early on that I was going to be paying for college by myself. Any time that I expressed interest in a private school, they quickly steered me away by pointing out the cost and pushing me towards public schools.
At the beginning of my senior year in high school, I got a lecture from my parents about applying for scholarships. I got the lecture several more times even though I do not feel that I deserved it. I was doing everything I could.
I did end up getting several scholarships and I qualified for financial aid. The was my parents only contribution to helping with college. And once I arrived on campus, I got a job.
During college, I did not have much of a life. I worked a lot and took about eighteen hours every semester so that I could graduate in three and a half years. However, I managed to graduate debt free.
The article mentioned that both kids had not found a job which really did not surprise me when their majors were mentioned. They graduated in fields where jobs are not always promising. That is why one of the kids was going back to school for a second degree. I am guessing his parents are paying for this degree too.
If parents want to help with their child’s education, that is fine. However, the parents should not go into debt because of it. And the kids need to take on some responsibility.
It took awhile to get the courage but I finally told my parents that I am going home tomorrow. My parents don’t understand why I am leaving so early. I told them I have work in my classroom. That is not a lie, I really do have work to do. Then, they tried to guilt me into staying by telling me my grandparents haven’t seen me at all this break. I do feel a little bad, but I have to do what is right for me. I cannot explain why I feel the need to leave but I just do.
The plan was to go home on Thursday. But now I am thinking that I cannot wait that long. Wednesday is sounding so appealing. But by going home early, I run the risk of upsetting my mom. She will not understand that I need my space. She will just see that I am going back to my empty apartment to spend New Year’s Day alone. Actually, I am all right with that. It has never meant much to my family. We usually just go to my grandparents’ house anyway.
I have things I want to do at school though and things that would be nice to get done before school starts up again. Plus, I am tired of just sitting around reading books. I am bored! Yesterday, I cleaned my parents’ house.
Like I said, it is time for me to go home. I am an adult and am free to make my own decisions. I am just afraid of hurting someone unintentionally.
Several days ago, my aunt asked if I wanted to have a girls’ day to go shopping in the city. I was not completely sold on the idea. My aunt gets mad over the simplest thing and yells way too much. Plus, she complains about nearly everything. As much as I needed to do some shopping in the city, I was not sure I wanted to go with her.
But today when she called me, I decided to go. She was going to be near the Goodwill. I had brought stuff from home with the intention that I was going to donate it while in the city. My aunt was also going to the pet store, which I also really needed to go. The one thing she did not need to do was go to Walmart which is what I really needed to do. I needed to stock up on groceries before I go back home. But two out of three is not bad.
I did end up regretting that I went. Sure enough, my aunt complained and yelled a lot of the trip. I just have to remember that I got two out of my three errands done and that is what is important.
I know how depression works. I know that a person can feel depressed despite the good things that might be happening at the time. However, it is difficult to always remember that depression is inevitable when you are happy or about to experience a happy occasion. You would think after all the years I have suffered from depression that I would eventually learn my lesson. And yet, I have to constantly be reminded.
Despite it being Christmas vacation, I am far from happy. I wrote a post yesterday about how I want nothing more than to return to my apartment. I still feel that way and have made plans that I have yet to share with anyone to return on Thursday.
Today, I stayed home from visiting my grandparents that I have not yet seen this break. They are always anxious to see me anytime I come home so I usually do my best to make sure I can see them but today, I just did not care. And with my unannounced plans to return on Thursday, that means I will miss the annual New Year’s Day get-together. But I honestly do not care.
I ended up going to a movie this afternoon. I hardly laughed at all. And when I did, despite having gone to the movie by myself, the laughter was all fake.
I really just do not care right now.
I was dreading going to my parents’ house for Christmas break. I hate having to live out of a suitcase. I hate how loud the house is. I hate having to live in my brother’s room. I hate waking up freezing in the middle of the night because my parents’ keep the heat very low. And this holiday I knew was going to be even more difficult because I would be trying to hide my antidepressant and my spinner ring.
So far, the break has not been too bad. I have added extra blankets to the bed and have set an alarm to remember to take my medicine in private. I Tend to keep my spinner ring hidden by covering my hands. My family knows jewelry is not my thing and they would be sure to ask lots of questions if they knew it spun. However, so far I have only had one question about it.
My family spent the last three days at my grandpa’s house. And now that we are back at home, I just keep thinking it would be nice to return to my apartment. It is not like I really have any other obligations here. My dad thinks I should take my cat to the vet to get him declawed but I am not sold on the idea. One of my relatives invited me to go shopping in the city on Tuesday which I do need to do but I am not sure I really want to spend the day with her.
I do not know if we have New Year’s plans. Usually, if I am not depressed, I end up going over to the same aunt’s house that invited me to go shopping to watch movies and then we spend New Year’s Day at my grandma and grandpa’s house. I do not like going over to my aunt’s house because I cannot sit still for so many hours and watch chick flicks (ew). And I do not really enjoy going over to my grandparents’s house because I have an aunt that likes to tease and another aunt that is bossy and is very critical.
I do not want to hurt my parents or anyone else’s feelings but I am just ready to go home. I know it will not be good for me or my depression to spend too much time alone in my apartment but I am just not sure how much more of this I can take.
Last year, I could not wait for holiday breaks because it meant that I could go home to my family. I would begin counting down for the next break right after I would come back from break. This year, I do not feel that way. I was not that excited for Thanksgiving break and I could care less about going home in two days for Christmas break. Really, I am just looking forward to having time off from school. I am not really sure why I am not looking forward to going home right now. I am not depressed. I think part of my problem though is that it is difficult staying at my parents’ house. It is always cold and loud. I hate living out of a suitcase. I have to share the bathroom. Then, there is the problem of hiding my antidepressant. Now, I have a spinner ring that while I am not going to try to hide, but I definitely don’t want to talk about.