With only four days from being eleven months clean from cutting, I gave in and cut. And the thing is, I am not sorry. I have no regrets. I was really looking forward to being one year clean, but right now, I honestly don’t care how close I was.
How else is a person that loses their hermit crabs suppose to deal with life? I am responsible for their deaths and nothing I do will ever be enough for taking innocent lives. I am guilty. Cutting helped me deal with the guilt and with the horrible pain of losing my pets.
Some people will probably say there are better ways to deal with my loss. However, I am not like everyone else. It is like my brain never learned how to function in the world. That is why I have depression. That is why I am always anxious. That is why I turned to cutting. My brain does not know how to deal with pain and heartache and stress. My mental problems are the result of it. Cutting has become my coping mechanism.
It was surprising how much I missed feeling the blade to my wrist. It is strange how I have missed the searing pain and seeing the red marks.
I want to feel bad, I really do. But I don’t.