All I can think about is cutting. I knew that would happen. After being nearly eleven months clean and giving in, I knew that I would no longer care about remaining strong and not giving into the addiction. And I knew the urge would be even worse because lately, I do not seem to care about anything. I have been pulling out my eyebrows without any regrets. I do not even reach into my pocket to hold my little pompom that I like to hold when I realize that I am pulling.
I lost my hermit crabs the other day in a tragic accident but I don’t think my feelings are entirely related to their deaths. I almost think I am becoming depressed again. I just do not understand why though. My antidepressant was working. Several weeks ago, I was the happiest I had ever been. I felt so normal and I loved it.
Tonight though, I had the thought of suicide. I have not had thoughts like this for awhile. And honestly, I did not miss them.
My friends the other night realized that I was acting weird and asked if I was all right. They told me to contact them if I ever felt like cutting. With it being the weekend though, I really don’t want to bother them. Plus, if they knew I was feeling suicidal, they might freak out (I know I would if someone told me they were suicidal). They have been pretty understanding so far though.
I just don’t know what to do anymore though. I just don’t care.