I know how depression works. I know that a person can feel depressed despite the good things that might be happening at the time. However, it is difficult to always remember that depression is inevitable when you are happy or about to experience a happy occasion. You would think after all the years I have suffered from depression that I would eventually learn my lesson. And yet, I have to constantly be reminded.
Despite it being Christmas vacation, I am far from happy. I wrote a post yesterday about how I want nothing more than to return to my apartment. I still feel that way and have made plans that I have yet to share with anyone to return on Thursday.
Today, I stayed home from visiting my grandparents that I have not yet seen this break. They are always anxious to see me anytime I come home so I usually do my best to make sure I can see them but today, I just did not care. And with my unannounced plans to return on Thursday, that means I will miss the annual New Year’s Day get-together. But I honestly do not care.
I ended up going to a movie this afternoon. I hardly laughed at all. And when I did, despite having gone to the movie by myself, the laughter was all fake.
I really just do not care right now.