I debated about whether I should go to church this morning. I have been depressed the last several days and today was no exception. But I got my fake smile ready and went to church. I regretted it though. I really felt like crying all through church and had to work to control it. I also ended up pulling out more hair from my eyebrow that was practically nonexistent anyway.
Once I got home, I cut myself and then cried. My life is a mess and I do not understand why. I am on an antidepressant. It was working because I felt so normal. I do not understand what has changed.
I normally call my mom on Sunday nights unless I have just gone home for the weekend. I came home on Wednesday but I am not going to call. I know she will be expecting it but I really have nothing to say. I did work in my classroom, just like I told her when I left. That ended up not being a lie. However, nothing else has happened. I do not need her grilling me about spending New Year’s Eve and most of New Year’s Day alone. I do not need to tell her about how my life is a mess.
School resumes tomorrow. I am dreading it. It is very difficult teaching when you are depressed. Plus, I have nasty cuts which I will pass off as cat scratches and I am missing most of my eyebrow which I will say is because I have a condition that makes my hair fall out.
Why does life have to be so difficult?