I am slowly growing my missing eyebrow back. I have been missing at least one of them completely since Christmas. I have often had bald spots in the other. It really does seem strange to see the little hairs there. It is also really exciting. I am still having the urge to pull but somehow, I am controlling it. I have read that OCD medication can help with trich but since I still have OCD tendencies and I still pull occasionally, I am not sure whether I can contribute the regrowth to the medication or to my superstrong willpower (I definitely do not have this otherwise I would not be a cutter).
I have gotten some of my OCD compulsions out of the way however I still have others. I managed to put my clothes away yesterday without having to have them face a certain direction. I also managed to do my recycling without having to do paper last. However, I have a list of 13 things on it and I am going to have to add something to the list because it is driving me crazy.
I have been feeling depressed this week but I contribute that to the idea that I would really like to leave this place. I think I am depressed about the idea of leaving my friends and church choir and the few things I do like about this town.
I am also having extreme anxiety attacks. Yesterday, I took my anxiety medication and I still felt extremely anxious. I was afraid I was going to be sick at one point which was really odd. I did not have anything to do yesterday. I actually realized that I never once spoke to anyone other than myself or the cat.
Somehow, with God’s help, I will get my mental problems under control.
I have decided that I do want to leave this town. I will look for another teaching job closer to home. This week I have just been filled with so much negativity about the school I am at. I realize that I would be happier living closer (but not in the same town) to my parents and teaching in only one classroom. There are things that I am going to miss, but there are things I will not miss. I am just praying to God that I am making the right decision.
Today, I have been so bored that I have been vacuuming behind furniture and sorting through my things. I guess if I am going to be moving in two and a half months, that will be less for me to do. If not, well, I have an extremely clean apartment.
A couple of weeks ago, my doctor recommended counseling. My friends were very against the counselor that she recommended though. I was planning on going to my parents’ house that coming weekend so I put off thinking about it. Then, when I came back, I waited to see if my friends had another suggestion. All they recommended is that I try to find someone when I am living in the city this coming summer while working at the amusement park. This way, it would be very anonymous.
I am not leaving for the amusement park until the middle of May. While it does seem to be coming quickly, it is not quick enough. My problems do not operate on a schedule and I am willing to try counseling now.
I planned on calling the number after school. Then, we had an inservice that went long and I debated about whether I should call today or wait until tomorrow. Somewhere, I found the courage and made the call. I will find out more information tomorrow about making an appointment.
I am nervous about talking to a stranger about issues that are so personal. I do not care that I am still going to be in a surrounding town verses the large city this summer. I have problems, just like everyone else. My problems do not define me.
I have made it no secret that I hate this town. I hated it from the moment that I moved here. It was just so small and far from my family. Last year, when I left for the summer, I wanted nothing more than to not come back. And I cried in August on my way back. But then about six months ago, something happened that changed my perspective of this town. I opened up to my friends about having depression and anxiety and about being a cutter. Confiding in my friends made me feel good. I could actually see myself living in this town because I had friends.
Now is the time for teacher job openings. I have recently been asked by several people what I plan to do next year. I actually got irritated with my parents for telling me to apply at a different school. I could not see myself leaving my friends.
Today though, something changed in me. I am not sure if it is a message from God. However, today, I could easily see myself leaving. I could almost picture another school. There are several pros and cons though. I am just not sure what to do.
- One classroom which will mean less work
- Hopefully at a new school, I will not have to do nearly every recess and teach subjects like art
- Closer to my family
- Bigger community
- Better school
- Have to make new friends
- Have to move
- Have to become familiar with a new curriculum and new students
When I went to the doctor last week, she suggested that I see a counselor. She wrote down a phone number and gave great reviews of the counselor in another town. Afterwards, I told my friend what the doctor had to say. She did not have nice things to say about this counselor though. Another one of my friends is a school psychologist and says that counseling would be really beneficial but he also does not like this counselor. I am not sure what to do. Would counseling really benefit me? If so, I would have to go to this counselor that the doctor recommended because there are not any other options.
It has been one of those weeks and it is only Wednesday. I had a very busy weekend. I am always busy on the weekend with chores and homework and projects for school. My weekend was even busier because I am going home this weekend so I did what I could to do next weekend’s work too.
I will not be in school on Friday so I have been very busy with my lesson plans for next week as well as trying to get things ready for the sub so that it will be an easy day.
I have been having bad problems with anxiety and OCD the last couple of weeks and knew that I needed to see the doctor. I knew the only days I could do it was Monday or Tuesday. I was unable to get in on Monday so I had to make that trip on Tuesday.
Then, the technology teacher at my school decided that we should have a meeting after school on Wednesday to learn about a new app. But then, she changed the meeting to Thursday. I told her that I could not make it so she agreed to have a meeting this morning.
This afternoon, I got home from school knowing that I needed to do laundry and pack and do chores and also go to Lent services. I also surprisingly had time for homework. However, I am exhausted. I hope this weekend is very relaxing.
I decided to see a different doctor this time around. I have been seeing the same doctor for the last several months for my depression and anxiety but I am getting frustrated that I am not getting any results for my anxiety. Plus, I find it difficult to talk about some things. So this time around, I saw a female doctor. I told her that I feel like I have problems with OCD and she took me seriously. She prescribed a different medication in addition to my antidepressant. She also added an anxiety medication to help when times get rough. I am feeling hopeful! I want to get my problems under control!
The last time I went to the doctor, I was taken off my anxiety medicine and was increased on my antidepressant. I have not really been depressed since then. However, I have been anxious. I am almost out of medicine so I either need to decide to go get more of my antidepressant or go back to the doctor.
I am tired of going to the doctor. I know I should but I am just tired of it all. I find it difficult to talk about my problems. I think I have OCD. It may be mild because it does not totally control my life but I still have routines that must be followed otherwise I have to do it again. And my possessions have certain spots and must face certain ways. This is what was making me so incredibly anxious on Friday. My obsessions involve getting fired or something bad happening at school.
I was feeling anxious yesterday despite it being Saturday and not having any work to do. I also feel anxious today.
I am just not sure what is going on in my mind. Even if I do understand it, I am not sure I can talk about it. It is difficult talking about depression, anxiety, OCD, and trichotillomania. Especially since I have self diagnosed myself with OCD and trich.