I prayed to God, asking for the opportunity to reveal to my friend that I was going to counseling. The chance came early this morning. Surprisingly, she seemed accepting of the idea. However, I know that it is not her choice to make. It is my brain and my thoughts and I am the one that has to deal with them. I did tell her that despite being on medication, I still have bad days. She then replied that we all have bad days. I then explained that I do not know how to deal with my bad days appropriately. After all, I am a cutter. In the end, I think she understood why I was doing it.
I think it is difficult for people who do not have mental problems to understand what people that have issues are really going through. My friend doesn’t understand what led me to become a cutter. I remember the first time I cut. Before that, I thought the very idea was appalling. But once the blade touched my wrist, it gave me a way to deal with the world and my emotional pain.
It is also difficult to understand suicide if you have never been in that position before. The first time I wished to die, it scared me. Then when I came up with a plan to die, it became very real to me what I am capable of doing to myself. It is a kind of ‘power’. It is a very scary power.
I have problems. I have OCD, depression, anxiety, and trichotillomania. I am a cutter and unfortunately capable of more than I would love ke to believe. But I am dealing with my problems slowly. First by getting on medication and then going to counseling.
The worst thing about it all is that one of my student’s parents was at the clinic today. The clinic offers many services so hopefully they don’t figure out why I was there. But if they do, so what? I have problems, just like the rest of the world.