I have been going through a rough time lately. Every day, I find something more that I hate about the town or school and it makes me desperate to leave. The job search is not meeting my satisfaction though and I am very afraid that I will be forced to spend another year in this town.
This weekend, I was so lonely and so frustrated about the job search that I ended up cutting. I have been clean for about two months but the very idea was very appealing to me and I just knew that I would feel better once I did it. And unfortunately, I did.
My OCD medication has been making it very difficult to sleep that I decided that maybe I should just go back to my original dose. For two days, I cut the pill in half. I noticed no change in my sleep. And on the second day, I realized that I was slipping into my compulsory routine and I realized that I should go back to the higher dose.
Yesterday, I became very frustrated when the school decided to cancel my only break because if they hired a sub for music, it would only be for my class. I was extremely angry. I need a break from my students. But because I had noon duty, I spent all day with my students. When I first learned that morning that I would not get a break, I was so upset that I was just itching for something sharp. I knew that I could not cut at school even though I was wearing my jacket so that no one would know. Since I did not feel right about cutting, I thought about using a highlighter to make marks on my wrist but because I was surrounded by students all day, I never had the opportunity. I ended up cutting several times last night.
I had counseling last night. This was my fourth session and I must say that I do not think that it is helping. For the first two sessions, I had to drive to the next town which is about thirty minutes away (in the middle of nowhere though that is very close). But then I got moved to another town for the last two sessions. That town is an hour away. I absolutely hate driving. Then, the counselor said that she was leaving that office so she was going to try to get me back to the first town but she might have to get me in at a town that is even farther away. I told her I cannot drive that far away on a school day because I cannot leave school until three thirty and then I still have to drive back. She understood so I will not have an appointment next week. Since I do not think that it is helping, I am actually glad. I feel like I should quit but I will be going to work at the amusement park the middle of May.
I feel like I should have a better control of my problems and emotions. I especially feel that should be true since I am on medication. After all, I have managed to grow my eyebrows back after pulling them out constantly since Christmas. Before that, I only had bald patches. Now, I hardly attempt to pull at all. My medication has helped my trichotillomania. It has helped the other problems but I still have the bad days. The bad days feel really bad lately. It is extremely frustrating.