A Rough Period

I have been going through a rough time lately. Every day, I find something more that I hate about the town or school and it makes me desperate to leave. The job search is not meeting my satisfaction though and I am very afraid that I will be forced to spend another year in this town.

This weekend, I was so lonely and so frustrated about the job search that I ended up cutting. I have been clean for about two months but the very idea was very appealing to me and I just knew that I would feel better once I did it. And unfortunately, I did.

My OCD medication has been making it very difficult to sleep that I decided that maybe I should just go back to my original dose. For two days, I cut the pill in half. I noticed no change in my sleep. And on the second day, I realized that I was slipping into my compulsory routine and I realized that I should go back to the higher dose.

Yesterday, I became very frustrated when the school decided to cancel my only break because if they hired a sub for music, it would only be for my class. I was extremely angry. I need a break from my students. But because I had noon duty, I spent all day with my students. When I first learned that morning that I would not get a break, I was so upset that I was just itching for something sharp. I knew that I could not cut at school even though I was wearing my jacket so that no one would know. Since I did not feel right about cutting, I thought about using a highlighter to make marks on my wrist but because I was surrounded by students all day, I never had the opportunity. I ended up cutting several times last night.

I had counseling last night. This was my fourth session and I must say that I do not think that it is helping. For the first two sessions, I had to drive to the next town which is about thirty minutes away (in the middle of nowhere though that is very close). But then I got moved to another town for the last two sessions. That town is an hour away. I absolutely hate driving. Then, the counselor said that she was leaving that office so she was going to try to get me back to the first town but she might have to get me in at a town that is even farther away. I told her I cannot drive that far away on a school day because I cannot leave school until three thirty and then I still have to drive back. She understood so I will not have an appointment next week. Since I do not think that it is helping, I am actually glad. I feel like I should quit but I will be going to work at the amusement park the middle of May.

I feel like I should have a better control of my problems and emotions. I especially feel that should be true since I am on medication. After all, I have managed to grow my eyebrows back after pulling them out constantly since Christmas. Before that, I only had bald patches. Now, I hardly attempt to pull at all. My medication has helped my trichotillomania. It has helped the other problems but I still have the bad days. The bad days feel really bad lately. It is extremely frustrating.

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7 thoughts on “A Rough Period

    • Since you are studying counseling, I know you will get this. Do you really think counseling will help me when I have a hard time talking about my problems. I could not even admit that I cut myself the other day or that I was having feelings of cutting. I feel horrible after cutting last night when I had just seen my counselor that afternoon.

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      • I do. I was like that too. It has to do with your comfort level with the counselor. When the trust is there, you will be able to admit about cutting. Sometimes we can have trouble finding words for what we are dealing with, but counselors are pretty good at putting the pieces of what we say together. You shouldn’t feel judged from your counselor. We are taught to accept everyone.
        I’m curious though, does your counselor know that you’ve cut before? No right or wrong answer there, but I’m just curious.
        Also, ideally, your counselor will teach you techniques to deal with depression, anxiety, and triggers. Anything from meditation to things like radical acceptance and distress tolerance (the last two are DBT skills). I’m not sure what school of theory your counselor operates from, but that would determine the skills and techniques they teach you. A common theory used for depression and anxiety is CBT, which has lots of skills. DBT is a type of CBT that has even more skills (it was originally developed to help people with borderline personality disorder, but I think the skills can be used by anyone).
        I can related to the feelings from cutting the same day as seeing a counselor; I did that too once. Not a good feeling, but I think each relapse has a lesson in it.
        Ultimately, though, try not to beat yourself up for having a hard time talking about things. It’s okay, it’s common, and a good counselor will help you feel comfortable talking about anything.

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      • I have told my counselor that I am a cutter and she told me to call her whenever I feel like cutting. Because of my social anxiety disorder, I have a really hard time calling people on the phone. I do better with text messages or email. I guess what really bothers me is that I am not upset with myself for cutting twice this week. I know cutting is wrong. I made it nearly eleven months without hurting myself. I guess since I have been going through so much lately, I feel like it is the best solution. If you don’t mind me asking, have you and your counselor talked about alternatives to cutting? Or, have you talked about coping mechanisms for when the thought to cut crosses your mind?

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      • I understand not wanting to talk on the phone, I’m like that too. Perhaps your counselor has an email and would be okay with you emailing when you want to cut? It’s worth asking her.
        I don’t mind at all. In my very first session with my counselor, I was 2 weeks clean and told her I was done forever and just wanted to learn how to deal with depression. Even though I said this, the very first thing she did with me was find other coping methods for when I wanted to cut. It seemed stupid to me at the time, since I thought I was done forever, but I see now why she did it. Since then, any session that I’ve said I relapsed or I’ve been having urges, we talk about my coping methods and how I can use them. She reinforces me using the other coping methods.
        Has your counselor not talked about finding coping methods that work for you? If she hasn’t, feel free to ask her if you can spend time with her coming up with some.

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      • I have not yet decided whether I will continue counseling. I do not yet have an appointment scheduled but I was told I would be called next week. If I decide that counseling is not for me, do you have any suggestions about what I should say? Like I said, I do not do well on the phone and I have a very hard time explaining my feelings. I really do not want to be questioned about why I want to be done.

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      • You can just say something like “I don’t feel like this is working” or “i want to take a break” or something like that. She should respect your opinion. It might help to write down what you want to say and just read from there. She might want to see you one more time, to kind of wrap things up (they call it “termination”). So be prepared for her to ask about that. She also might ask what lead to your decision, so it might help to have a reason lined up, maybe something like “I didn’t feel a connection”. Or bringing up the fact that the drive is now too far might help. If you plan and write out what you want to say, it might help you to be more calm during the call.

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