Secret Identity

Ever since I arrived at my parents’ house on Thursday, I feel like I am living a secret life. It is not easy living a secret life because I am busy trying to keep my life a secret. Nobody in my family knows about my mental problems and I prefer to keep it that way. I keep my medications in my purse and struggle to remember to take them. I figure in my purse they are safe because I rarely have my purse with me so nobody will find them. I have mostly kept a jacket or sweatshirt on so that I can hide my cuts. However, I do not have to worry about my missing eyebrows because I have my trich under control!

Despite how hard I am working to keep my mental problems a secret, they still are having a way of coming about. I have had to work even harder than I imagined. The other day, my mom noticed the spinner ring I wear to control my hair pulling. She asked where I got it and I quickly mumbled an answer about getting it online. My mom does not approve of online shopping and I have never worn a ring before so I know she wanted to ask more questions but thankfully she didn’t. She does not need to know the purpose behind the ring or that I got it from the trichotillomania awareness website.

Then, yesterday, I had two close calls with my dad. I did have my purse with me and my dad wanted my keys. He picked up my purse and I immediately grabbed it from him because I did not want him to shake it and hear the pills or even worse to open it. Then, later, he got ahold of my cell phone and was going to go through my contacts. I have counseling listed in my phone and did not want to have to answer questions about it.

I know it would probably be easier to just talk to my parents rather than live a double life. However, I know they will not understand. I do not want to have to endure teasing or constant questioning. I am an adult and am free to live my life in secret, even if it is not always easy or desirable.

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3 thoughts on “Secret Identity

  1. You don’t have to tell them, especially since you don’t live with them. And if you do tell them, it’s all on your schedule. I was in counseling for months before I told my parents, who I still live with. But when I told them, it was on my terms.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yes and no. Yes in that they didn’t outright tell me to stop going to counseling. But no because they do ask how much longer I’ll go. There is a lot that I don’t tell them, like having my diagnosis changed from depression (which I had told them about) to anxiety, and they don’t know about self-harm. I told them about it years ago, the first time that I thought I was done forever, and they felt too guilty, so I never told them about relapses. I wish I could tell you they are 100% supportive, but unfortunately I can’t. They do, however, know that my own experiences are what drives my desire to become a counselor.

        Liked by 1 person

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