I mentioned a couple of week ago that I was not sure that counseling was working for me and I was not sure if I wanted to continue. And if I chose not to continue, I was not sure how I would tell my counselor that I wanted to be done. I had a little time to think about the decision because I would not have counseling the week after Easter.
I had not even had a chance to think about it or practice what I would say (if I decided I was done) when the secretary called me to set up my next appointment. I was in the car, driving home for Easter break so I was having a difficult time hearing her over the noise of my radio and the traffic. I was not ready for anything so I tried to continue the conversation as best I could. The secretary figured out I was driving and said she would call me another time. She has yet to call me.
This morning, I made up my mind. I am done with counseling. I could not remember if the secretary wanted me to come in tomorrow or a week from tomorrow since she had never called me back. I knew that I needed to take care of it though.
Even though I knew I was not going about it the right away, I called the counseling office and left a voice mail saying that I wanted to cancel my next appointment and not reschedule. I knew what I was doing when I called on a Sunday morning. I did not want to talk to anyone.
I know that I really should have called in person. I can make excuses about how difficult it is to explain my feelings and talk on the phone to justify what I did but I do not need to explain myself. I handled the situation the best I could.
I thank everyone that encouraged me to try counseling and for helping me when I was having trouble deciding whether I should continue or not. I have no regrets trying it. However, I feel like I have gained nothing since going. I never expected a cure to my mental problems. I did expect help in managing my depression, social anxiety, and OCD rituals though. I wanted help controlling the urge to hurt myself and hoped that I would no longer want to kill myself. I know that is a lot to expect and I did not expect it to happen overnight but unfortunately, I felt like my counselor and I ever got there. And with my difficulties in speaking my mind and being open, we probably never would have gotten there.