Difficult Day

It was just one of those days. My students would not stop talking and I finally had to send one to the principal for threatening another student. Then, there are certain staff members that are really getting on my nerves but I am required to work with them.

I felt like it was one of those days where communication was my life. I had sent a bunch of emails regarding school and expected replies today. Some of the emails were good. Others just made me annoyed.

I also checked my phone frequently because after calling and leaving a message yesterday about wanting to be done with counseling, I expected a call asking me why. I am not exactly sure why I kept checking my phone because I did not want to answer their questions. The call finally came at about five. They know that I am a teacher so they probably wanted to talk to me directly rather then my voice mail. When I saw who was calling, I debated about whether to answer. I finally decided I should. Really, the conversation was short and to the point. The secretary wanted to make sure I wanted to be done and asked if I was feeling all right. She said my counselor was certainly surprised. I assured her I was all right even though that is very far from the truth and that was it.

I know that I am far from all right. Today definitely did not help. I have no idea why I am feeling the way I do. I want desperately to cut often. The idea sounds very appealing right now. I am feeling controlled by my OCD rituals. I feel like I had once gotten control of my problems but now I am right back to where I started.

I really do want to talk to someone. Counseling obviously did not help and I cannot open up to my friend that I am cutting again and feeling suicidal. Not only would I find it difficult to talk about, she would definitely freak out. She has often told me that while she does not understand what is going on in my mind, she is supportive. I just do not know what to do.


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