Yesterday, I went back to my doctor. I had been feeling depressed, anxious, and dealing with OCD for the last couple weeks. Despite being on medication that had been helping me at one time, I no longer noticed its effects. My doctor felt bad. She says she has experienced similar things and did not want to treat me like a guinea pig. She said that she was going to contact some colleagues and she would let me know what they recommended. A little while later, I get a text message asking if I have good days and bad days. I just figured that was pretty normal. Some days my medicine works and other days it doesn’t. Just like life: There are good days and bad days and I am just unable to handle the bad days. However, when she asked the question, I felt like she was implying something else. I got the same feeling when she told me that she was going to prescribe a mood stabilizer. I was kind of stunned. Even though she never told me I had bipolar, I was definitely getting the feeling.

I texted her back and asked if it was treatment for depression or bipolar disorder and she told me it can treat both. I really wanted to know if she thought I had bipolar disorder but she never gave me a direct answer.

The idea of having bipolar disorder is kind of hard to deal with and I am not exactly sure why. I mean, if I do indeed have bipolar disorder, it is not going to change the way I have felt in the past. In fact, I will probably feel better now that I am on different medication (at least I hope so). I have also reminded myself quite a few times that bipolar is a disorder, not an adjective and will not describe me; just like I am not described by my depression, anxiety, or OCD.

Despite not liking the idea of having bipolar disorder, I actually want my problems to be managed. I am tired of going to the doctor looking for help.


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