Invisible

Tonight was the school music concert. I dreaded going because first of all, the students really are not that talented. But what really bothered me was that I would be going alone. I figured I would meet up with some of the other teachers there but because of my social anxiety, I did not want to go to the concert in the first place, especially not knowing if I would have someone with me.

I felt so humiliated as I sat down in the back row by myself. I avoided eye contact with everyone so that I would not feel like such a loser. I was reminded of college and sitting alone at meal times. It was bad then and it is not any better now.

Eventually, some other teachers and the principal sat close by so I did not feel alone and I was able to talk to them. However, lately I just feel so invisible. It is like no one cares or even knows that I exist. I know I often hate being around people but there is a different between wanting to be alone and being lonely. When I want to be alone, I will lock myself in my apartment and ignore all invites. If I am lonely, I will still probably ignore the invites because of my social anxiety problems but I will still appreciate that someone cares.

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