I am not doing very well right now. Actually, I have good days and bad days but it seems that the bad days easily overshadow the good days by far. I had an interview at a school the other day that was close to home. It turned out though that it was a two part interview so if the school liked me, I will be asked to interview again. I do not do interviews well. I have OCD and anxiety. It was bad enough dealing with those things in excess for one interview. I really do not want to have to do it again.
And of course, on the drive home, I thought about everything that went wrong at the interview and how my mental problems will always hold me back in life. It is extremely frustrating when I had such a bright future and then my mental illness changed everything. I graduated as valedictorian of my high school. I graduated Summa cum Laude from college. But my mental problems made it difficult to get a job. At least I have a job now. But it is going to make it difficult for me to get a job that is good for my mental health.
So anyway, I am not doing very well. On the way home, I pulled out a lot of my eyebrow. I had managed to grow my eyebrows back after being nearly bald. I still pulled occasionally but now, I really do not care. I also do not care about cutting, which I did last night and really want to do right now. It was kind of a problem today because it was extremely warm and I ended up having to take off my jacket. My students are young enough that I can say that the cat scratched me. Adults will never believe it though.
There was a time when I was in college that I just accepted that I would one day die by suicide. Then, there was another time when I knew that suicide would never be a possibility for me. I guess I must have been feeling better at that time and had coping mechanisms to help me deal with the hard times. Now, I feel completely hopeless and feel that I may one day die by suicide.