My Biggest Secret

The only people that know about my mental problems are two of my friends. They both found out by complete accident though. I am not sure I would have felt like I was able to tell them even though we are close. It is just my biggest secret and I am scared about how people would react if I mentioned cutting and suicide. Plus, one of my friends is a school psychologist which scared me. Plus, I was afraid my teacher friend would overreact. I did not want to lose my teaching job. But they have both been very supportive.

One of my friends has told me several times that I need to tell someone in my family. I feel that it is none of their business. I think that whoever I tell, they will spread the news with the intention of trying to help. But if the information falls into the hands of the wrong family members, it would no longer be taken seriously.

The last couple of days, I have pictured telling my mom. I am not making any promises that I would say anything to her but if I did, I have trouble deciding how to stop and what exactly to say. I have felt like I have been keeping secrets from my mom for quite awhile and it has made it difficult to have open conversations about anything because I know that I am keeping this secret.

I do not want to hurt my mom but some of my story happened while I still lived with my parents. I have been depressed since high school but managed to hide it from my parents. I actually started cutting while I lived with them. Do I mention the cutting? What about the thoughts of suicide? And if I were to tell my mom this weekend, it would be a little awkward because I cut last night. I really am going to be done though. My scissors will go to school tomorrow and stay in my desk where hopefully they will stay without me wanting to bring them home. There are no guarantees that I am done. I have used plastic knives, keys, and my finger nails before. I am not actually sure if I really want to be done though. I know it is not the right coping mechanism but unfortunately it works. I know that I need to be done though because otherwise people will get suspicious about why I always seem to have a number of bandages and scratches always in the same spot.

There are times when I talk myself into telling my mom and other times when I think it is a bad idea. My story can be complicated because of the depression, anxiety, OCD, and trichotillomania I go though. They are complicated topics by themselves even though they are connected. And it is very difficult to talk about the feelings that go along with them. The worst thing is that they are all things that I am still experiencing and probably always will to some level. I do not want to be asked my entire life whether my medicine is working or how I am feeling mentally. I just want to be treated like a normal person. The one thing I want people to take away from my story is that I am still alive even though I have experienced some very difficult days and have managed to use my problems for God. That is one of the most important things to remember in my story.


Another Lonely Weekend

It is another lonely weekend. A break from my horrible life where everything is thrown at me and it is all my fault. It is  the start of two days of being invisible, even though I was not noticed during the week either. It will be another weekend of being alone while constantly looking at my phone to see if someone does indeed care. I will make attempts at living life. I might be successful at moments. But then everything will become so overwhelming that I will shut down again. Tomorrow will be another day when I will wonder life really has meaning. It will be another day where I will want to express my emotions through physical pain.

I Have Had Enough

I am so done! I do not have the support needed. I am expected to carry out high expectations at work with little to no help. Living in the middle of no where makes people think that I have to pick up extra responsibilities. Like I am not doing enough already. Living in the middle of no where makes people think that the rules do not apply so all these unreasonable expectations can be given without a thought about me or anyone that is affected. I am not sure how I can be expected to make it through the whole  year. I haven’t even made it two weeks yet. And almost every night, I come either in tears or close to tears wanting to take out my frustrations in the wrong ways. I go to work every day with a feeling of dread. A part of me is optimistic but another part of me knows that is it will be another long and frustrating day. I already feel like I need a day off. Avoiding my problems are not going to make them any better. But going head on into my problems is not helping either.

Feeling Too Much

Though there is not a lot going on in my life right now, I am feeling so many emotions and none of them are positive. That just complicates my life in a way that makes it difficult to want to continue to live this life (I am not implying suicide but rather than living the life of someone else).

I have a very frustrating student right now. We have only been in school for six days and already I wish it was summer. Those feelings are not left over from the end of summer where every one dreads going back to school. They are fresh feelings and I really doubt how in the world I am going to make it through the school year. I did demand a meeting with the principal last week and without me having to say why I called the meeting, the principal said I would be getting someone in the classroom to personally work with this student. That is exactly what I wanted and I am glad I did not have to say anything. However, I still have to work with the student and today I got so frustrated when he would not do his work. I doubted whether I was not giving him enough help and did not want to just snap and send him to the principal because that is what the teacher did last year. I know it is not true, but sending him to the principal makes me think I am a bad teacher even though I know that learning must be happening in my classroom and that is not happening for anyone when he is being difficult. I finally did send him to the principal and that made me feel a little better.

I realized that while I was working with this boy, I was tearing my eyebrows out. When I got home, I really wanted to cut to deal with the all the feelings that this boy put me through this afternoon. However, I do not want to cut because of this student. I do not want students to literally get to my wrist. Plus, I know other people do not want me to cut even though at this point I do not care.

I am still depressed and am overwhelmed by life. I did not do a whole lot this weekend because my friends were gone. I did leave town for a little while which went ok but I really felt like crying at a majority of the stores. It does not matter what the day is though. I do what I can and hope that I will be ambitious later to get the dishes washed and the papers graded. I know it sounds like I am being lazy but I just lack the energy to get much done.

My OCD is also driving me crazy. I feel like I cannot do anything without having it done or arranged just right. Sometimes I doubt whether my medication really works or if I am feeling all the obsessions and compulsions because of everything I am currently feeling.

I have began looking at life a little differently the past few days though. I have had the song I Will Survive by Stephanie Bentley from Holes stuck in my head. I really do not know much of the lyrics but basically, I keep willing myself to survive and endure. I also have been thinking of this year’s suicide awareness day motto from To Write Love on Her Arms: And so I kept on living. Somehow, I will make it through what I am feeling. It is definitely not easy or what I want right now or ever however.

Happy Early Birthday To Invisible Me

I sometimes find myself hoping for things that will never come true. What I mean is that I sometimes wish that someone could come visit me (friends, family). Lately, I have been wishing my family would come visit me.

Last year, my parents came to visit me on my birthday. My birthday was on Sunday and it was a very special day. They hadn’t come to visit me the year before because I had just moved here and it had been a crazy time. But this year, I hoped differently.

My birthday is on Tuesday this year so they obviously will not be able to visit me. Tomorrow, they have the annual family reunion and my parents would not miss it for the world. So I kind of got my hopes up that they would come visit me today. I knew that I should not start wishing for this fantasy. I did not get my hopes up but it still hurts me a little.

I am usually not one that wants attention. I hate having eyes on me because I constantly feel like I am being judged. However, on my birthday, I do wish for a little attention. It is not about the cake or presents. I am always invisible and I just want someone to acknowledge that I exist. I have a feeling that this birthday, I will be invisible.

My grandma sent me a birthday card the other day. I am not a fan of cards because it seems like an impersonal way to quickly say to that person that you remembered the date of their birthday. I know it is the thought that counts though. This card from my grandma contained a message that I actually found very hurtful. Besides the Hallmark saying, my grandma gave me a one sentence message. She apologized that the card was late. It hurt me because the message made me feel like the date of my birthday was not important to my grandma. I am her first grandchild. And despite me not being there, I would still hope that I would be on her mind occasionally, especially near by birthday. But that did not upset me as much as the idea that the card was not even late because it is not even my birthday yet. My grandma forgot the date of my own birthday!

Lately, I have been very lonely. As an adult, I know that my birthday is just another day. My mom made that clear to me a long time ago. Even though she always made my birthday special, I still care a little about my birthday. Mostly, I just want someone to know that I exist. I know my mom will probably call and I will bring cupcakes to school for my students, but it is not exactly the attention I wanted for the day.

All By Myself

I am slowly returning to my normal self. At the beginning of the week I was having thoughts of suicide and wanted nothing more than to cut. I was overwhelmed by everything and had a difficult time completing the easiest of tasks. My friend found out Wednesday night that I was back in counseling and cutting myself. We talked a little bit and because of our talk, I did not cut that night even though I really was upset and needed to.

Last night, I started to do things. I managed to get my students’ papers graded. The dishes got washed and I did laundry. I stayed after school today even though teachers can leave early on Friday so that I could do things for next week. Now, I do not have to go in this weekend or come early on Monday.

I still have vivid cuts on my wrist. I took the bandaid off today. I thought it would be all right because it was cooler today and I planned on wearing my jacket. However, it got warm this afternoon so I took it off. I guess I can be thankful that I work with kids because it is obvious that the marks are not cat scratches.

I am a little worried about how this weekend will be. I felt extremely lonely after I came back from my summer at the amusement park. My friends are gone this weekend. My teacher friend will also be coaching volley ball this fall so I will see even less of her. I know that it is selfish of me to think that she should not do any other activities but I am just worried for my mental health. I have little control over my cutting even though my counselor told me to text her anytime I felt like cutting. I did not do it Tuesday night and when my friend found out on Wednesday she was very disappointed.

I know I should not worry about tomorrow or this fall. But since I already felt lonely before school started, I cannot help but feel lonely already. It is not like I have places to go in this lousy town where I can hang out with other people. And I am not very good at making friends because of my social anxiety. Plus, none of the people in this town have similar interests. They are either old or into ranching. I need people my age that are interested in the city life.


Emergency Counseling

I haven’t been doing very well lately. I have mentioned this several times in my recent blogs. Today though, I guess it all just became too much. It was the first day of school and it did not go well. I have a challenging student and I am already at a loss about what to do. Anyway, my brain had had enough. After school, I seriously thought about maybe looking into counseling again even though I did not have a positive experience last spring. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed help. I cut the other day and I have had thoughts of suicide often even though I was too scared to act on them.

I got home and told myself that I would make an appointment at 4:30. It was actually a little after when I finally got the courage. I made some notes out and hesitantly dialed the number that I had some reason saved on my phone. I thought about hanging up but I didn’t.  First, the secretary asked why I wanted an appointment. I told her life was too hard. That was probably the wrong thing to say but it was true. The secretary asked if I was having thoughts of suicide and I reluctantly admitted that I was but I didn’t plan on acting on them. The secretary promised to get back to me in an hour to make an appointment. I honestly considered not answering the phone but I did.

The secretary asked if I could come in about forty five minutes. The idea shocked me because I was not even sure if I wanted to go through with this again. Plus, it is a thirty minute drive there. I guess God has been with me all day though and all week and knew what I needed.

I do feel better and have not cut today even though I so badly wanted to after school. Looks like I am back in counseling again (that sentence is neither sarcastic or joyful).

My Life is a Mess

I really do not understand the complicated thoughts and feelings that plague my life right now. At one point, I thought it might be because my life has changed drastically in the last few weeks as I moved from living in a camper in the city while working at the amusement park to returning to my apartment in the middle of no where to go back to teaching third and fourth grade. But I know that that is not it.

My life just seems a mess right now. The only way I can get sleep is with sleeping medicine. I decided to try to go without it Friday night since it was the weekend and got almost no sleep that night. I cannot even sleep right. I cannot even function as a normal human being.

And then, there is the thought that maybe my calling is not meant to be a teacher. But if that is true, than what exactly is God calling for me to do to earn a living. I already know that He wants me to raise awareness for mental illness through Him. I do that through fiction writing (I am on Booksie if you are interested). However, being a published author right now is apparently not in God’s plans. I hope maybe sometime in the future. So if that is not my calling right now than what is? Amusement park operator like at Disney World? A nurse? Am I suppose to stay in teaching?

I am also extremely lonely since I got back. I find that extremely odd because I never felt that way in the city. I never had guests over at my place. Things are just different though and it is hard to explain. I noticed that while in the city, I did not have social anxiety problems and I worked each day with new guests and employees. But here, I cannot even look anyone in the eyes. I have a feeling that I like strangers better because they do not know me and therefore cannot judge me.

I am lonely all the time. I mostly stay in my apartment and try to deal with my complicated thoughts and emotions. I have hardly seen my friends at all since I got back and of course makes me wonder if they still want to be friends with me. Because if I do not have them, I really do not have anyone. And I mean that literally. I don’t have any friends here except them. Without them, I really would not leave my apartment.

To help me deal with all this, I turned to cutting last night. I feel bad that I do not have any regrets. And if I still feel bad tonight, who knows, I might need to do it again. Physical pain is a lot easier to deal with then the emotional pain I am currently dealing with. I know I should not have done it because school starts tomorrow but I covered the cuts with bandaids and am ready to blame my new cat.

I do not understand why my life seems so complicated right now. This will be my third year of teaching. I am on medication to help me deal with the depression and anxiety and OCD. I thought it was working. It was working all summer. But now that I am back, my life is just a giant mess with no sign of a better day in sight. There are several times I have doubted whether my life is even worth living.

Counseling Again?

Sometimes, there is a part of me that thinks I should give counseling another try. The only reason I am able to sleep is with sleeping medication, there are days when I feel like life is not worth living, I think about cutting often (I haven’t cut since May though), I hate my medication and sometimes don’t even take it due to the side effects,  and I have very little of my eyebrows left after pulling a lot of the hair in the last week or so.

The last time I was in counseling (last April) I quit after a month because I felt it was not helping me. I was quick to blame the counselor but I have since learned that I was partly at fault. There are times when I am thinking that I will probably start again but then I am reminded of other factors that made counseling difficult last time and I wonder if I really want to deal with those things.

My counselor is the only one in this area so I don’t have a choice about who I see. And I am not sure if I should try her again after the way I abruptly ended our sessions last time. I have no problem explaining why I left. I am sure she would understand if I say that I was not sure how counseling worked and what to expect but since then I have learned. However, I am not sure if she or I were the problem. What if it is her? Then I would just be wasting my time.

The other reason counseling was a problem was because my counselor does not even work in my town. I have to drive thirty minutes away which is kind of a pain when you have spent all day at work. Then, for a couple of weeks, I had to go to her other office which is over an hour away because I was not yet a regular at the closer office. They were going to make me go even farther away because she was moving offices but I refused so I missed a couple of weeks until they could get me in the closest town. But then I ended up quitting so it didn’t even really matter.

If I were to go again, I would not be willing to drive other than the closest town. I would just have to refuse some appointments until the time finally worked for me. This time, I also know what to do to make sure my issues are addressed.

I have been praying about counseling and hopefully I get an answer soon.


Suicide Awareness

When I was student teaching, the teacher I was working with used to get really mad when another teacher would complain about how inservices were a waste of time. I tried to see the benefit in all the inservices that we attended but I often found it difficult. It is even more true at the school I am at now.

Today, we had to do this suicide awareness online program. As a person that suffers from mental illness and have had thoughts of suicide in the past, I thought it was a great idea. I really did not think it was necessary for elementary teachers but at the same time, there was a sixth grade student that committed suicide when I was in high school. I did think it was a great idea for high school teachers since I was depressed in college but know one noticed. But then when I get working on the program, I realize how horrible it really was. It was two hours long and basically repeated the same information over and over. There were several videos but you had to sit in front of the screen so that you could keep hitting ‘next’. The same information was mentioned several different times.

All the other teachers complained about how long the program was too. After awhile, I realized that I could turn the volume off and just keep pushing next whenever the box appeared and it did not matter. I would feel bad but I already knew most of the information from being depressed and having thoughts of suicide and because the information kept repeating.

Mental illness awareness with a Christian emphasis is literally my life’s goal. However, I have my doubts that this program did much to educate.