All Alone

I came back from my city job at the amusement park on Monday. I was not ready to leave but I need time to get the classroom ready for school. Ever since I got back though, I have felt extremely lonely. I never felt that way when I was at the amusement park. It is not like I had guests over at my camper at the amusement park. Occasionally I would hang out with friends but it was not very often because we were all busy working.

People have welcomed me back but that is about the extent of the conversation. It really does not bother me I guess because I really have nothing to say to these people. They are just familiar people to me that I recognize by face. It is amazing though how many people in this tiny town say how happy they are that I am here but yet I stay locked up in my apartment alone every night. I have yet to see my friends since I have been back either. That makes the loneliness even worse. I check my cell phone often; hoping that there was a call or a text I missed. I have turned the volume up so that way if someone does contact me, I will know right away.

I noticed that while I was working at the amusement park, I could talk to anybody. I worked with lots of other people and I rarely had problems talking to them. I also had no trouble talking to the guests at the park. That was a big deal because I have social anxiety. But now that I am back home, the social anxiety has returned. I have a hard time looking at people directly. I also have nothing to say. It is odd that a person with social anxiety can speak to strangers and not to familiar people but I think I know why. I am not afraid of strangers judging me because they do not know me and that will be the only encounter I have with them. People in this small town know me and therefore judge me based on my actions. That is why it is difficult going to the grocery store but it is ok to go to Walmart.

I guess it is time to get ready for bed and hope for some sleep and wish that my loneliness will go away.


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