Maybe Tonight?

I haven’t slept well all summer. I was very quick to blame the medication I take for OCD because that has caused sleeping problems in the past. Last spring, I was only taking one pill and I was having a hard time sleeping so I started taking it in the morning. Later, I was put on two pills: One in the morning and one at night. But after not being able to sleep at the beginning of the summer, I asked my doctor if I could take both in the morning. She agreed but I only did that for a little while because I was still not sleeping. For awhile, I took one pill and then for a couple of weeks I didn’t take the pills at all even though I knew I would have to go back on them.

Several weeks ago I texted my doctor and asked if there was a nonprescription sleep medication that I could take because I would toss and turn all night. There really aren’t any that do not interfere with my OCD medication.

Then, I texted my doctor and asked if I could withdraw from some of my medication because I was so tired. She told me I would need to come in for that but I still had a couple more weeks at the amusement park.

Right after I got back, I scheduled an appointment. I really didn’t want to come off my medication because it was helping my OCD, depression, and anxiety. But I was getting only a couple of hours of sleep each night. The doctor gave me three options: Benadryl, Ativan, or Melatonin.

I tried the Benadryl the first night. She told me I could take up to four. The first night I started with two and then took a third when I could not sleep. The next night I took four because I still could not sleep and ended up feeling really dizzy.

The next night I took Ativan. I am actually taking a different anxiety medication right now that is not addicting but my doctor decided I might as well give it a shot for some sleep. It did not work either though.

The next night I tried Melatonin. I did not sleep again. The bottle said nothing about taking more than one but since the bottles at the store ranged from 3mg to 10mg, I decided it would not hurt to take another. That did not help though.

The night after that, I did some research and decided it would be ok to take Benadryl and Melatonin. Again, I did not sleep. And during that time when I was awake, I came up with a brilliant thought. I was taking my OCD medication and my antidepressant in the morning and then taking a mood stabilizer at night. I did some research and found out that the mood stabilizer could cause insomnia.

I was so excited to go to bed last night because I did not take the mood stabilizer or anything else to help me sleep. And imagine my surprise when I woke up after two hours of sleep!

I texted my doctor this morning and now I have sleeping pills. At one point, I really did not want to be on any other medication. But I have barely slept all summer. I could count on my fingers the number of times I got a decent night sleep. I would often wake up and want to take a nap. And if I did not have to work until noon, I would take a nap. And recently, I am getting about three hours of sleep a night.

I am currently exhausted, depressed, and irritable. Cutting has been on my mind the last couple of days but thankfully I haven’t done it. School starts in three days and the last thing I need is cuts on my wrists. I already am missing one eyebrow and have bald spots in the other due to my trichotillomania. But it would be nice to get some decent sleep for the last two nights of vacation.


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