Sometimes, there is a part of me that thinks I should give counseling another try. The only reason I am able to sleep is with sleeping medication, there are days when I feel like life is not worth living, I think about cutting often (I haven’t cut since May though), I hate my medication and sometimes don’t even take it due to the side effects, and I have very little of my eyebrows left after pulling a lot of the hair in the last week or so.
The last time I was in counseling (last April) I quit after a month because I felt it was not helping me. I was quick to blame the counselor but I have since learned that I was partly at fault. There are times when I am thinking that I will probably start again but then I am reminded of other factors that made counseling difficult last time and I wonder if I really want to deal with those things.
My counselor is the only one in this area so I don’t have a choice about who I see. And I am not sure if I should try her again after the way I abruptly ended our sessions last time. I have no problem explaining why I left. I am sure she would understand if I say that I was not sure how counseling worked and what to expect but since then I have learned. However, I am not sure if she or I were the problem. What if it is her? Then I would just be wasting my time.
The other reason counseling was a problem was because my counselor does not even work in my town. I have to drive thirty minutes away which is kind of a pain when you have spent all day at work. Then, for a couple of weeks, I had to go to her other office which is over an hour away because I was not yet a regular at the closer office. They were going to make me go even farther away because she was moving offices but I refused so I missed a couple of weeks until they could get me in the closest town. But then I ended up quitting so it didn’t even really matter.
If I were to go again, I would not be willing to drive other than the closest town. I would just have to refuse some appointments until the time finally worked for me. This time, I also know what to do to make sure my issues are addressed.
I have been praying about counseling and hopefully I get an answer soon.