I really do not understand the complicated thoughts and feelings that plague my life right now. At one point, I thought it might be because my life has changed drastically in the last few weeks as I moved from living in a camper in the city while working at the amusement park to returning to my apartment in the middle of no where to go back to teaching third and fourth grade. But I know that that is not it.
My life just seems a mess right now. The only way I can get sleep is with sleeping medicine. I decided to try to go without it Friday night since it was the weekend and got almost no sleep that night. I cannot even sleep right. I cannot even function as a normal human being.
And then, there is the thought that maybe my calling is not meant to be a teacher. But if that is true, than what exactly is God calling for me to do to earn a living. I already know that He wants me to raise awareness for mental illness through Him. I do that through fiction writing (I am on Booksie if you are interested). However, being a published author right now is apparently not in God’s plans. I hope maybe sometime in the future. So if that is not my calling right now than what is? Amusement park operator like at Disney World? A nurse? Am I suppose to stay in teaching?
I am also extremely lonely since I got back. I find that extremely odd because I never felt that way in the city. I never had guests over at my place. Things are just different though and it is hard to explain. I noticed that while in the city, I did not have social anxiety problems and I worked each day with new guests and employees. But here, I cannot even look anyone in the eyes. I have a feeling that I like strangers better because they do not know me and therefore cannot judge me.
I am lonely all the time. I mostly stay in my apartment and try to deal with my complicated thoughts and emotions. I have hardly seen my friends at all since I got back and of course makes me wonder if they still want to be friends with me. Because if I do not have them, I really do not have anyone. And I mean that literally. I don’t have any friends here except them. Without them, I really would not leave my apartment.
To help me deal with all this, I turned to cutting last night. I feel bad that I do not have any regrets. And if I still feel bad tonight, who knows, I might need to do it again. Physical pain is a lot easier to deal with then the emotional pain I am currently dealing with. I know I should not have done it because school starts tomorrow but I covered the cuts with bandaids and am ready to blame my new cat.
I do not understand why my life seems so complicated right now. This will be my third year of teaching. I am on medication to help me deal with the depression and anxiety and OCD. I thought it was working. It was working all summer. But now that I am back, my life is just a giant mess with no sign of a better day in sight. There are several times I have doubted whether my life is even worth living.