I haven’t been doing very well lately. I have mentioned this several times in my recent blogs. Today though, I guess it all just became too much. It was the first day of school and it did not go well. I have a challenging student and I am already at a loss about what to do. Anyway, my brain had had enough. After school, I seriously thought about maybe looking into counseling again even though I did not have a positive experience last spring. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed help. I cut the other day and I have had thoughts of suicide often even though I was too scared to act on them.
I got home and told myself that I would make an appointment at 4:30. It was actually a little after when I finally got the courage. I made some notes out and hesitantly dialed the number that I had some reason saved on my phone. I thought about hanging up but I didn’t. First, the secretary asked why I wanted an appointment. I told her life was too hard. That was probably the wrong thing to say but it was true. The secretary asked if I was having thoughts of suicide and I reluctantly admitted that I was but I didn’t plan on acting on them. The secretary promised to get back to me in an hour to make an appointment. I honestly considered not answering the phone but I did.
The secretary asked if I could come in about forty five minutes. The idea shocked me because I was not even sure if I wanted to go through with this again. Plus, it is a thirty minute drive there. I guess God has been with me all day though and all week and knew what I needed.
I do feel better and have not cut today even though I so badly wanted to after school. Looks like I am back in counseling again (that sentence is neither sarcastic or joyful).