All By Myself

I am slowly returning to my normal self. At the beginning of the week I was having thoughts of suicide and wanted nothing more than to cut. I was overwhelmed by everything and had a difficult time completing the easiest of tasks. My friend found out Wednesday night that I was back in counseling and cutting myself. We talked a little bit and because of our talk, I did not cut that night even though I really was upset and needed to.

Last night, I started to do things. I managed to get my students’ papers graded. The dishes got washed and I did laundry. I stayed after school today even though teachers can leave early on Friday so that I could do things for next week. Now, I do not have to go in this weekend or come early on Monday.

I still have vivid cuts on my wrist. I took the bandaid off today. I thought it would be all right because it was cooler today and I planned on wearing my jacket. However, it got warm this afternoon so I took it off. I guess I can be thankful that I work with kids because it is obvious that the marks are not cat scratches.

I am a little worried about how this weekend will be. I felt extremely lonely after I came back from my summer at the amusement park. My friends are gone this weekend. My teacher friend will also be coaching volley ball this fall so I will see even less of her. I know that it is selfish of me to think that she should not do any other activities but I am just worried for my mental health. I have little control over my cutting even though my counselor told me to text her anytime I felt like cutting. I did not do it Tuesday night and when my friend found out on Wednesday she was very disappointed.

I know I should not worry about tomorrow or this fall. But since I already felt lonely before school started, I cannot help but feel lonely already. It is not like I have places to go in this lousy town where I can hang out with other people. And I am not very good at making friends because of my social anxiety. Plus, none of the people in this town have similar interests. They are either old or into ranching. I need people my age that are interested in the city life.



3 thoughts on “All By Myself

  1. I am glad that your friend was there for you on Wednesday night. You said your teacher friend is coaching volleyball this weekend, I’m wondering if it would be okay for you to go and watch for a bit, just to get out for a while. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your counselor. It’s okay to reach out when you need help.
    I’m wondering if there’s a town close to you where you can hang out this weekend. Maybe it would have some sights to see or some cool restaurants or something. Maybe just seeing a different area might help take your mind off of everything.
    And of course, feel free to email me if you’d like to talk 🙂


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