I am slowly returning to my normal self. At the beginning of the week I was having thoughts of suicide and wanted nothing more than to cut. I was overwhelmed by everything and had a difficult time completing the easiest of tasks. My friend found out Wednesday night that I was back in counseling and cutting myself. We talked a little bit and because of our talk, I did not cut that night even though I really was upset and needed to.
Last night, I started to do things. I managed to get my students’ papers graded. The dishes got washed and I did laundry. I stayed after school today even though teachers can leave early on Friday so that I could do things for next week. Now, I do not have to go in this weekend or come early on Monday.
I still have vivid cuts on my wrist. I took the bandaid off today. I thought it would be all right because it was cooler today and I planned on wearing my jacket. However, it got warm this afternoon so I took it off. I guess I can be thankful that I work with kids because it is obvious that the marks are not cat scratches.
I am a little worried about how this weekend will be. I felt extremely lonely after I came back from my summer at the amusement park. My friends are gone this weekend. My teacher friend will also be coaching volley ball this fall so I will see even less of her. I know that it is selfish of me to think that she should not do any other activities but I am just worried for my mental health. I have little control over my cutting even though my counselor told me to text her anytime I felt like cutting. I did not do it Tuesday night and when my friend found out on Wednesday she was very disappointed.
I know I should not worry about tomorrow or this fall. But since I already felt lonely before school started, I cannot help but feel lonely already. It is not like I have places to go in this lousy town where I can hang out with other people. And I am not very good at making friends because of my social anxiety. Plus, none of the people in this town have similar interests. They are either old or into ranching. I need people my age that are interested in the city life.