I sometimes find myself hoping for things that will never come true. What I mean is that I sometimes wish that someone could come visit me (friends, family). Lately, I have been wishing my family would come visit me.
Last year, my parents came to visit me on my birthday. My birthday was on Sunday and it was a very special day. They hadn’t come to visit me the year before because I had just moved here and it had been a crazy time. But this year, I hoped differently.
My birthday is on Tuesday this year so they obviously will not be able to visit me. Tomorrow, they have the annual family reunion and my parents would not miss it for the world. So I kind of got my hopes up that they would come visit me today. I knew that I should not start wishing for this fantasy. I did not get my hopes up but it still hurts me a little.
I am usually not one that wants attention. I hate having eyes on me because I constantly feel like I am being judged. However, on my birthday, I do wish for a little attention. It is not about the cake or presents. I am always invisible and I just want someone to acknowledge that I exist. I have a feeling that this birthday, I will be invisible.
My grandma sent me a birthday card the other day. I am not a fan of cards because it seems like an impersonal way to quickly say to that person that you remembered the date of their birthday. I know it is the thought that counts though. This card from my grandma contained a message that I actually found very hurtful. Besides the Hallmark saying, my grandma gave me a one sentence message. She apologized that the card was late. It hurt me because the message made me feel like the date of my birthday was not important to my grandma. I am her first grandchild. And despite me not being there, I would still hope that I would be on her mind occasionally, especially near by birthday. But that did not upset me as much as the idea that the card was not even late because it is not even my birthday yet. My grandma forgot the date of my own birthday!
Lately, I have been very lonely. As an adult, I know that my birthday is just another day. My mom made that clear to me a long time ago. Even though she always made my birthday special, I still care a little about my birthday. Mostly, I just want someone to know that I exist. I know my mom will probably call and I will bring cupcakes to school for my students, but it is not exactly the attention I wanted for the day.