Feeling Too Much

Though there is not a lot going on in my life right now, I am feeling so many emotions and none of them are positive. That just complicates my life in a way that makes it difficult to want to continue to live this life (I am not implying suicide but rather than living the life of someone else).

I have a very frustrating student right now. We have only been in school for six days and already I wish it was summer. Those feelings are not left over from the end of summer where every one dreads going back to school. They are fresh feelings and I really doubt how in the world I am going to make it through the school year. I did demand a meeting with the principal last week and without me having to say why I called the meeting, the principal said I would be getting someone in the classroom to personally work with this student. That is exactly what I wanted and I am glad I did not have to say anything. However, I still have to work with the student and today I got so frustrated when he would not do his work. I doubted whether I was not giving him enough help and did not want to just snap and send him to the principal because that is what the teacher did last year. I know it is not true, but sending him to the principal makes me think I am a bad teacher even though I know that learning must be happening in my classroom and that is not happening for anyone when he is being difficult. I finally did send him to the principal and that made me feel a little better.

I realized that while I was working with this boy, I was tearing my eyebrows out. When I got home, I really wanted to cut to deal with the all the feelings that this boy put me through this afternoon. However, I do not want to cut because of this student. I do not want students to literally get to my wrist. Plus, I know other people do not want me to cut even though at this point I do not care.

I am still depressed and am overwhelmed by life. I did not do a whole lot this weekend because my friends were gone. I did leave town for a little while which went ok but I really felt like crying at a majority of the stores. It does not matter what the day is though. I do what I can and hope that I will be ambitious later to get the dishes washed and the papers graded. I know it sounds like I am being lazy but I just lack the energy to get much done.

My OCD is also driving me crazy. I feel like I cannot do anything without having it done or arranged just right. Sometimes I doubt whether my medication really works or if I am feeling all the obsessions and compulsions because of everything I am currently feeling.

I have began looking at life a little differently the past few days though. I have had the song I Will Survive by Stephanie Bentley from Holes stuck in my head. I really do not know much of the lyrics but basically, I keep willing myself to survive and endure. I also have been thinking of this year’s suicide awareness day motto from To Write Love on Her Arms: And so I kept on living. Somehow, I will make it through what I am feeling. It is definitely not easy or what I want right now or ever however.

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4 thoughts on “Feeling Too Much

  1. I’m sorry that you have that difficult student but I’m glad that you’ll be getting someone to work with them.
    It sounds like, to me, that your OCD is worse due to everything else right now. You’re under a lot of stress, so it makes sense that it’d be worse. It’s worth talking with the doctor who prescribed it, too.
    And yes, you will definitely make it through this 🙂 and I’m always here if you need support.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I noticed when I was lonely I needed things to fill all my voids and keeping me very busy. Working out, taking on extra responsibly at school, hobbies , reading , working late… With a difficult student it’s harder to want to be at work, but there will never be the perfect class and it doesn’t mean that’s a reflection on you. Most kids like that have some sort of trauma that has happened or is going on. You just keep trying as many different ways as possible to make it work. And u can’t always rely on ur friends so. Finding hobbies that u can do and not rely on people is a good one. You should read some of my posts.

    Like

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