Though there is not a lot going on in my life right now, I am feeling so many emotions and none of them are positive. That just complicates my life in a way that makes it difficult to want to continue to live this life (I am not implying suicide but rather than living the life of someone else).
I have a very frustrating student right now. We have only been in school for six days and already I wish it was summer. Those feelings are not left over from the end of summer where every one dreads going back to school. They are fresh feelings and I really doubt how in the world I am going to make it through the school year. I did demand a meeting with the principal last week and without me having to say why I called the meeting, the principal said I would be getting someone in the classroom to personally work with this student. That is exactly what I wanted and I am glad I did not have to say anything. However, I still have to work with the student and today I got so frustrated when he would not do his work. I doubted whether I was not giving him enough help and did not want to just snap and send him to the principal because that is what the teacher did last year. I know it is not true, but sending him to the principal makes me think I am a bad teacher even though I know that learning must be happening in my classroom and that is not happening for anyone when he is being difficult. I finally did send him to the principal and that made me feel a little better.
I realized that while I was working with this boy, I was tearing my eyebrows out. When I got home, I really wanted to cut to deal with the all the feelings that this boy put me through this afternoon. However, I do not want to cut because of this student. I do not want students to literally get to my wrist. Plus, I know other people do not want me to cut even though at this point I do not care.
I am still depressed and am overwhelmed by life. I did not do a whole lot this weekend because my friends were gone. I did leave town for a little while which went ok but I really felt like crying at a majority of the stores. It does not matter what the day is though. I do what I can and hope that I will be ambitious later to get the dishes washed and the papers graded. I know it sounds like I am being lazy but I just lack the energy to get much done.
My OCD is also driving me crazy. I feel like I cannot do anything without having it done or arranged just right. Sometimes I doubt whether my medication really works or if I am feeling all the obsessions and compulsions because of everything I am currently feeling.
I have began looking at life a little differently the past few days though. I have had the song I Will Survive by Stephanie Bentley from Holes stuck in my head. I really do not know much of the lyrics but basically, I keep willing myself to survive and endure. I also have been thinking of this year’s suicide awareness day motto from To Write Love on Her Arms: And so I kept on living. Somehow, I will make it through what I am feeling. It is definitely not easy or what I want right now or ever however.