My Biggest Secret

The only people that know about my mental problems are two of my friends. They both found out by complete accident though. I am not sure I would have felt like I was able to tell them even though we are close. It is just my biggest secret and I am scared about how people would react if I mentioned cutting and suicide. Plus, one of my friends is a school psychologist which scared me. Plus, I was afraid my teacher friend would overreact. I did not want to lose my teaching job. But they have both been very supportive.

One of my friends has told me several times that I need to tell someone in my family. I feel that it is none of their business. I think that whoever I tell, they will spread the news with the intention of trying to help. But if the information falls into the hands of the wrong family members, it would no longer be taken seriously.

The last couple of days, I have pictured telling my mom. I am not making any promises that I would say anything to her but if I did, I have trouble deciding how to stop and what exactly to say. I have felt like I have been keeping secrets from my mom for quite awhile and it has made it difficult to have open conversations about anything because I know that I am keeping this secret.

I do not want to hurt my mom but some of my story happened while I still lived with my parents. I have been depressed since high school but managed to hide it from my parents. I actually started cutting while I lived with them. Do I mention the cutting? What about the thoughts of suicide? And if I were to tell my mom this weekend, it would be a little awkward because I cut last night. I really am going to be done though. My scissors will go to school tomorrow and stay in my desk where hopefully they will stay without me wanting to bring them home. There are no guarantees that I am done. I have used plastic knives, keys, and my finger nails before. I am not actually sure if I really want to be done though. I know it is not the right coping mechanism but unfortunately it works. I know that I need to be done though because otherwise people will get suspicious about why I always seem to have a number of bandages and scratches always in the same spot.

There are times when I talk myself into telling my mom and other times when I think it is a bad idea. My story can be complicated because of the depression, anxiety, OCD, and trichotillomania I go though. They are complicated topics by themselves even though they are connected. And it is very difficult to talk about the feelings that go along with them. The worst thing is that they are all things that I am still experiencing and probably always will to some level. I do not want to be asked my entire life whether my medicine is working or how I am feeling mentally. I just want to be treated like a normal person. The one thing I want people to take away from my story is that I am still alive even though I have experienced some very difficult days and have managed to use my problems for God. That is one of the most important things to remember in my story.


One thought on “My Biggest Secret

  1. I like those last 2 sentences a lot.
    Ultimately, it’s up to you who you tell and when. I told my parents when I was 19, right when I transferred schools, because a friend told me to tell my parents otherwise she would. I said something like this, “I want to get counseling, because I cut, and I think I have depression.” If I could go back in time, I would not have told them about the cutting at that moment. I too have dealt with these issues while in my parents’ house, and I’ve cut while there too (actually most were there). What I’m trying to say, but not really doing a great job with, is tell them what you feel comfortable with. Tell them in bits if you want. You don’t have to tell them everything at once, and in fact, I wish I didn’t. I understand what you mean about not having open conversations because of this. Unfortunately, there is so much I keep from my family too, because they’ve proven that they do not understand. I wish you luck, in whatever you decide, and just remember to tell (or not tell) at your own pace.


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