Happy suicide awareness week. The form above can be found on the To Write Love on Her Arms website. It is supposed to be posted on social media but because I need to remain anonymous, I have posted my reasons for living here.
It is a frequent battle for me to choose life. It is hard to see why I should continue living sometimes when everything is going wrong. It is like my brain wants to self destruct because it cannot handle the program called life. I had my first suicidal thoughts in college. I would sit in class and think about the best way to die. I finally came up with a plan shortly after that.
Instead of suicide, I turn to cutting as a way to deal with the pain inflicted on me by the world. That does not make self injury right. However, I look at it as a better alternative to suicide.
Though there are tough days (and there have been a lot the last couple of weeks) I kept living because God is not finished with me yet. There are days that I really question His plans. I cannot understand why I am trapped in the middle of nowhere with a very difficult elementary class unsure about what I really should do with my future. I kept living because if I didn’t, it would be like I did not think God’s plans were that important compared to mine.
I kept living because I want to help others that are suffering like me. I know what is going on in the mind of people suffering from mental illness. I know what it is like to be depressed and trying to pretend that everything is all right. I know what it is like to be consumed by anxiety and how difficult it is to live. I know what it is like to deal with obsessive thoughts and the stupid compulsions that are obligated to keep the obsessions from coming true. I know what it is like to accidentally pull out eyebrow hairs and end up bald due to trichotillomania. I also know what a person is thinking when they cut themselves for the first time and then struggle to stop. I help people through my writing by opening up about mental illness here and on my other sites.
I kept living because I got help. I called for help a couple of weeks ago when life got difficult. It is not easy to admit that I have problems and need help but there are times when a person cannot get along on their own. I am not crazy. I am not a danger to other people. However, I do suffer from depression and I need help, just like someone that has diabetes or cancer.
There are a couple of quotes that I have hanging on my wall that I refer to during the difficult times.
“The bravest thing I ever did was continue my life when I wanted to die.”
“Your story isn’t over yet.” ; (semicolon project)