Every morning when I have counseling, I get a reminder call. I am always at work at that time so it goes to voice mail and I listen to the familiar message when I am on a break. Today’s message was a little different though. This message said that the counselor was sick so appointments were cancelled. It said I needed to call back to reschedule.
The secretary asked if I could come at five o’clock next week. Normally I go at four. It is not easy getting there at four because school lets out at 3:30 and it is a thirty minute drive. I told the secretary though that I could not make it at five because I have choir practice at 6:30. With a forty five minute session and a thirty minute drive, I would make it back with fifteen minutes to spare. The secretary tried to convince me that I would be fine with time but I insisted I could not make it.
I am not actually sure why I turned down that time. I guess I really just did not feel like going to counseling today and so I took today’s feelings and applied them to next week.
There was a day last week that I really considered quitting counseling again. Last spring, I made it four weeks. So far this time, I have gone two weeks. I have mixed feelings about whether or not I should continue counseling. I went on doctor recommendations last spring but quit when I did not think I was benefiting from the experience and had doubts about whether my counselor was affective. This time around, I went because I was feeling suicidal. My counselor has a plan this time which makes me feel better.
I just do not like the thirty minute drive every week. I feel embarrassed sitting in the waiting room even though I am usually the only one there (it is a multiple resource clinic). Then, there are times when I find it difficult to admit that I feel suicidal or have recently cut. I know I should not feel that way because those are probably things she has heard before.
I know I need the help. I have been having good days but I have been through mental illness long enough to know that the good days are just temporary. Counseling is just a huge inconvenience though and I am just not sure how I feel or whether it is worth it to continue. I think I need counseling about counseling (lol).