Counseling Cancelled!?

Every morning when I have counseling, I get a reminder call. I am always at work at that time so it goes to voice mail and I listen to the familiar message when I am on a break. Today’s message was a little different though. This message said that the counselor was sick so appointments were cancelled. It said I needed to call back to reschedule.

The secretary asked if I could come at five o’clock next week. Normally I go at four. It is not easy getting there at four because school lets out at 3:30 and it is a thirty minute drive. I told the secretary though that I could not make it at five because I have choir practice at 6:30. With a forty five minute session and a thirty minute drive, I would make it back with fifteen minutes to spare. The secretary tried to convince me that I would be fine with time but I insisted I could not make it.

I am not actually sure why I turned down that time. I guess I really just did not feel like going to counseling today and so I took today’s feelings and applied them to next week.

There was a day last week that I really considered quitting counseling again. Last spring, I made it four weeks. So far this time, I have gone two weeks. I have mixed feelings about whether or not I should continue counseling. I went on doctor recommendations last spring but quit when I did not think I was benefiting from the experience and had doubts about whether my counselor was affective. This time around, I went because I was feeling suicidal. My counselor has a plan this time which makes me feel better.

I just do not like the thirty minute drive every week. I feel embarrassed sitting in the waiting room even though I am usually the only one there (it is a multiple resource clinic). Then, there are times when I find it difficult to admit that I feel suicidal or have recently cut. I know I should not feel that way because those are probably things she has heard before.

I know I need the help. I have been having good days but I have been through mental illness long enough to know that the good days are just temporary. Counseling is just a huge inconvenience though and I am just not sure how I feel or whether it is worth it to continue. I think I need counseling about counseling (lol).


4 thoughts on “Counseling Cancelled!?

  1. LOL to that last sentence 🙂 . It’s hard fitting a session into a tight window like that. It’s also hard to admit feeling suicidal or to cutting. It’s just a hard topic, and that’s okay. And you’re right, she will have heard these things before.
    Good days, for now, might be temporary. As my counselor told me at the beginning, it’s not an overnight process where all of a sudden, things get better. What happens is that you start to have good days here and there, and gradually these good days become more numerous and outnumber the bad days. It takes time, but it’s worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And now that you have told me it is more than just brain chemistry, I will try to make my brain have more good days then bad. And even though I do not miss cutting, my scissors are now at school and maybe I will reach a point where I am proud of how I have dealt with life and my accomplishment. I am thinking futuristically but I guess I have something to work towards.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Don’t force good days, because you’ll resent yourself. They will come as time goes on and you use new skills.
        And you will definitely reach a point where you’re proud of yourself. To quote my counselor again, at some point, you’ll look back at yourself and realize you’ve become almost like a new person. And I can attest that she was right. It takes time, and waiting sucks. Just hold onto hope.
        And I am proud of you for continuing to fight 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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