This is at least the third weekend I have spent by myself. Despite being an introvert, I still need human time. The loneliness just gets to be so consuming and becomes more and more difficult the longer I have to endure it. The weekends should be something of a happy time. I always look forward to the weekends but my feelings from the week never change because I get to be all alone.
All through the week, I have to endure going to school every day. And lately, it is a challenge getting up after a night of restless sleep knowing that I am going to have to endure with misbehaving kids and lack of support from some of the staff. Then, to make my life even better, I am constantly given more and more requirements and lately, I feel like I just get one task done and get handed two more. I am unable to ever get caught up. After five days of that, I am ready for the weekend. But instead of having the opportunity to be happy and celebrate, I get to spend the whole time alone doing chores.
My counselor has been telling me that I need to think about myself rather than what others want from me. So today, I drove to a town thirty minutes away because there was a sale and you get get tons of books. I love reading so I decided that that would make me feel better. But now I have all afternoon to remember that I am alone.
The tears have been threatening for awhile but have yet to fall. My fingers are itching with the scissors even though I have been three weeks clean from hurting myself. It is just me though. Why should I care? And, the pain is a lot easier to deal with when compared to the mental anguish of loneliness. And just because I have chores to do this weekend, it is not like that is all I want to do. I want to have some fun. But instead, I will neglect the chores, become overwhelmed and depressed and thus unable to exert the energy for the next several days to accomplish anything.