There is the quote I found online that accurately describes my life: So I’m invisible to you now? That’s cool. I’ve always wanted a superpower. It basically sums up my life. I am not noticed by anyone. I blend into the background and completely forgotten. I spend the weekends all alone. Sometimes the only real conversations I have over the weekend is at church. Otherwise it is just a casual greeting at the grocery store. Then, there is always the weekly phone call to my mom but I mostly listen because I have nothing to say.
It just gets so frustrating being alone all the time. When I lived with my family, I got no alone time and now I get it all the time. I eat every meal alone. I go to every store alone. I always turn my phone up loudly and keep it close to me just in case someone wants to get ahold of me. But nobody does. I get excited when counseling calls to remind me of my appointment even though I am always at work and it goes to voicemail. But at least someone knows I am there.
I feel all alone at school though. I am not sure really when I have had a fun conversation with an adult. My friend is so busy with volleyball that she rarely has time to talk to me even at school. I think about everything that I have recently gone through such as the decision to quit teaching and trying to combat OCD on my own and some of the problems people have been causing me and she doesn’t know any of that. And I have no other people to tell.
There are times when I think that cutting will help me deal with the loneliness. There are times I also think that maybe my friend will actually notice if I cut even though she never noticed before because I would make it look like cat scratches and cover them with bandaids.
I spend every evening alone, warming up something in the microwave and watching movies. The characters on the movies are the only company I get anymore.
I was so bored this weekend that I scrubbed the floors and cleaned the sinks. I am not one for that kind of cleaning because I have problems with cleaning supplies and frequently washing my hands. I also cooked a whole bunch of meals and snacks and put them in the freezer so that everyday when I get home and am worn out from everything I have had to put up with that day, I do not have to worry about cooking. The sad thing though is that I hate cooking and I spent several hours today doing it.
My life consists of work, TV, and loneliness.