I only call my mom once a week and even that can be too much for me. I don’t ever have anything to say. I cannot tell my mom that I spent most of the week alone or how I cut myself when things got difficult. I cannot tell her how I managed to pull out parts of my eyebrows or how I go to counseling. And when you take away all of that, there really isn’t much left to say. Sometimes these upcoming phone calls fill me with much dread and I usually feel like harming myself either before or after.
This time, I learned some news and I am not sure how I feel about it. My mom told me that my brother is engaged. He is the first in my family. And with all the pictures I have seen on Facebook, I knew it was going to happen. I just did not realize it was going to happen so fast. And I have met the girl. She seems really nice. Still, the idea of him getting engaged seems to leave an odd taste in my mouth.
I just do not know if I should feel happy or jealous or upset. I am two years older than my brother; not that it matters. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been kissed. But that is ok. I have had boys that have been interested. I turned them away though because I do not want to get married. My parents never made it look any fun. With all the problems I have right now with depression and social anxiety, now wouldn’t even be a good time for a relationship. Still, I have been thinking a lot about the future lately and have realized that I am going to be old and alone. I will be a crazy cat lady. I am already lonely and the idea of spending the rest of my life that way is kind of disappointing. Life is already too much at times and that is my future? I do not think I like it.
Sometimes I think it would be easier for life to come with a manual. Then, I would know exactly how to feel and respond and act at every given moment. I guess it is a good thing I live so far away from my family. I have until Thanksgiving to get used to the idea and figure out my feelings about the whole thing (not that I need even more to think/deal with at the moment).