Control

I spend every weekend alone. Ever since volleyball ended a few weeks ago I figured now my friend would have more time to hang out with me since she was no longer busy coaching. I hung out with her a few hours this weekend and desperately hoped that this weekend we could hang out again. I turned the volume up on my phone but somehow managed to keep myself busy and other than checking my phone quite often, really did not care that I spent all day alone and reading (I read an entire 350 page book; which I used to do quite often as a teenager but don’t have that much time in one day to do that much anymore).

Today though, the feeling was back. And at church, I was asked if I wanted to go out of town for a few hours and I did not need a moment to think about it. But then I was really disappointed when we arrived back in town and was told that there were household chores that needed done and then was wished a good afternoon.

I was extremely thankful that I at least got a few hours to hang out but I was disappointed that it could not be longer. But then I was reminded of the homework I had been given in counseling. My counselor told me to draw my hand and put everything that I can control in my hand and everything that I cannot control outside my hand. The cutting went in my hand because as hard as it is sometimes, I can control it. My mom’s hoarding  and the school’s requirements are things that I cannot control.

After making the list, I was astounded at how many things I really do have control over in my life. And the things that are outside of my control seem kind of dumb when put on a list even though they are not dumb when you are dealing with them. I realized today that I cannot control my friend calling or wanting to hang out (it is usually my friend that has control over that just because I go to their house to help with various projects or to visit their parents since there is nothing going on at my apartment and I have very few connections in this area and absolutely no family). It is right now a little upsetting to accept. I know it is still going to be difficult on weekends when I am all alone. But maybe with it on my list, I now have perspective and understand how I should at least deal with it.

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