Still Not Good Enough

For those following my story from yesterday, this is a continuation.

I was asked by the person I was writing for to rewrite one of my articles and then she would go from there. I got denied, again. Honestly, I think it is horrible how she has led me along with all that writing and then refuses to pay. I have reported her to the freelance website so I guess now I just have to wait. I am not sure exactly what they can do but I need to prevent this same thing from happening to other people.


Not Good Enough

I just nearly cut myself. If I had had my scissors at home, it probably would have happened. Even though not having scissors will not stop me, it did make me consider what I would use as an alternative. And then, I was so intent on dealing with my problems that I never did actually do it. There are no guarantees because I am still extremely angry but I have at least calmed down enough to think about my actions.

I do not think I have been that angry in a long time. I do not think I have ever stood up for myself like that either. I have been working for various freelance companies and have really enjoyed it. I wrote 18 articles for one company though and have yet to be paid. I have sent several emails and finally got an answer today.

Despite me sending in my first article for approval and being encouraged several times to write time-sensitive articles, nothing I wrote was good enough and I was going to be paid nothing. I received this email while I was in school and actually started crying. Good thing I did not have any students at the time.

I do not understand how someone can encourage you to keep writing and actually beg you to write more and then have everything rejected. I stayed up late and woke up early to complete some that were urgent. I was under a lot of stress that week because two of my other companies asked me to write and I had a bunch of things going on. And yet, I managed to do it all.

It is not that I really care about the money (however, I do want to give it to the church). I put a ton of time into my writing and was getting positive and encouraging feedback and then got turned down. It just did not make sense so I totally flipped out on the person in charge. She did reply and she asked me to rewrite one of my articles. I am impatiently waiting for her reply. I guess I will just put everything in God’s hands and let Him lead me through this horrible situation.

Gift Wrapping Difficulties

I was kind of upset with myself last night. I went to wrap Christmas presents and remembered that I do not have any scissors. My scissors are in my desk at school because I knew that if I kept that at home, I would end up using them to cut. I ended up using a pair of nail scissors and one of those things that you can use to slice open envelopes to wrap presents.

I know I am not ready to have my scissors come home yet, but it is a little frustrating when something that is supposed to be considered an accomplishment holds you back from doing something; especially something extremely normal.

Misbehavior at Church

When I was in church this morning, I watched a couple of children run around during the service and do some other naughty behaviors. This is quite common for these kids. It happens every time they come to church.

I think kids should come to church every week. It is sad that parents take their kids to Sunday school and then bring them home all the time. It seems like it is only the same few kids that are there every week.

Anyway, it amazes me that the parents never do anything about their kids. If I had run around the church like they did, I would have been in serious trouble. That is why I never did get to run around the church. However, if I was being loud or naughty, I was in a lot of trouble when I got home. I remember that happening a couple of times and I quickly learned my lesson. The same thing happened to my brothers.

It seems like parents no longer care about the behavior of their children. When I look at their children running around though, my mind jumps right to the parents though and how they are the bad guys there. And in the future, when their children are in trouble with the law, everyone in the community will know what has happened. They may or may not choose to blame the parents, but the parents will still have to face the embarrassment.

It would not take much to teach children how to behave in church. And yet, every week, the behavior continues.

Impersonal Christmas

Since everyone in my family is getting older, it has been decided that we will no longer exchange Christmas presents anymore. After all, for the last several years, it has just been an exchange of money and gift cards.

This year, it has been decided that everyone will buy something for five dollars and then we will draw numbers to decide the order on selecting gifts. However, a person can steal another person’s gift.

I am not happy about this year’s gift exchange idea. I am totally ok with abandoning the old way. After all, Christmas is not about gifts anyway. I have always hated having the attention on me too as we all took turns opening gifts. Then, there was always the big problem of packing up the gifts into the car at the end of the day to go home and then unpacking them later. Spending the day with family is a much nicer way to celebrate.

I am not sold on this year’s idea though even though I heard someone mention before that they have always had a lot of fun with their family. However, this just seems too impersonal. And what about the gift that nobody really wants. Yeah, it would be great if my gift was the one that everyone kept stealing. However, what if it is the gift that someone gets ‘stuck’ with and everyone makes fun of it. If it is my gift, I know that I would be a little upset.

If we are going to do a gift exchange, I would rather each gift be directed at one person. Gifts should be a personal thing and not given as a joke or obligation. For example, my mom bought a tin of popcorn. I cannot eat popcorn right now because of my braces. I have absolutely no problem sharing my gift with others. However, that is why I think that gift giving should be personal.

If I were to choose not to participate though, I would be labeled as petty and a Scrooge. I would be constantly asked why I had not brought a gift. One of my aunts would talk loudly about her opinions about me. I know I should be thinking about family and the Christmas spirit, but where do my beliefs fall into all of that?

Surviving Thanksgiving

I somehow have managed to make it through the holiday without any problems. I have been dreading going home for awhile. My mom’s house is absolutely disgusting and then I have to endure her bossiness all the while I am trying to pretend that nothing in my life is wrong and that I do not have any mental disorders. I was especially dreading coming home after my mom decided to boss me around last week when I called her on the phone over a past incident that she had absolutely no control over and had actually worked out fine. I had even emailed my counselor for advice before I left.

I have hardly spent any time at my parents’ house since arriving though and that has helped me survive the messiness. Plus, I keep reminding myself that I am here to see people, not the house. I will also go home this afternoon to prevent spending any more time here.

There were a couple of times when I felt a little hurt by my family throughout break but once I thought about it, I realized that with my social problems, it is actually for the better. For example, my brothers were talking about texting and messaging my aunt through Facebook. I don’t think she has ever texted me. Of course, all she ever does is make fun of me and I really have nothing to say to her. Plus, I am more comfortable not being obligated to respond to random messages.

Maybe I actually learned some things about myself this weekend that will help me grow as I continued to fight my mental illness!

Love Letters from God

The NLrV Love Letters from God Holy Bible (with letters written by Glenys Nellist) is exactly what the title references: Letters from God. Throughout this Bible are letters written with a blank to write in the child’s name that are written by God. Each letter discusses a particular verse or chapter in the Bible and has the reader think about how the reading can apply to their own life. At the bottom is a key verse from either that certain reading or just a random but applicable verse. Along the side, the child is asked to write a short prayer to God about a given topic.
I highly recommended this Bible for all young Christians. This Bible is like the actual Bible but has been written at a level that the children will understand. The letters are also great for children about seven to twelve years old. The other great thing I like is that the letters always reference a verse or chapter which can help young readers and their parents to have a daily reading of a short passage and then discuss it.
I received a free copy of this book through BookLook Bloggers.

Catch Me if You Can Book Review

Catch Me if You Can, by Carrie Martson is a book written for teens looking to read about other teens with more problems than their own. Laura is a seriously misunderstood teenager. She lives with her dad, stepmother, Kathy, her stepbrother, Kurtis, and her baby sister, Chrissa. One day, Laura gets in a fight with Kurtis and snaps. She runs away to stay with her older sister, Katie and her future husband, Danny. While there, Katie has Laura meet with their mom, which doesn’t go well. Laura has a problem with her mom and says that she will never share what it is. At the end, Laura realizes there is one person that cares, but by then it is too late.
I am unfortunately unable to recommend this book. The plot is very difficult to follow because of the weak storyline and underdeveloped characters. The numerous typos also contribute to the difficulty. If the plot was more developed, this would be a great book for high school students.
BookLook Bloggers has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book.

Not in a Good Mood

I was so irritated with my mom last night. Despite me no longer living at home, she still feels the need to tell me what to do.

I had a trip planned for this past Saturday and Sunday. A week ago, there was snow in the forecast for that Friday. So during my weekly phone call to my mom, I did not bother to mention the trip because I knew I would have gotten the same lecture I always get when there is snow in the forecast and I have something planned.

On Friday, there was indeed snow. School actually got canceled because of the high winds. I was no leaving until Saturday though and the area where I was going had not gotten any snow. I knew it was perfectly safe on Saturday for me to leave. And sure enough, I had no problems.

So yesterday during my weekly phone call to my mom, I tried telling her about my trip. And she was too focused on her lecture that she hardly listened to anything I had to say. I almost never say anything when we are on the phone because I have no life. My life consists of mental illness. And yet, when I actually did want to speak, she felt the need to lecture about something that was never an issue. The snow had stopped long before that, there was hardly any snow accumulation, the roads had been cleared, and the storm had been over for at least twenty-four hours when I had left. However, she did not seem to get that.

Honestly, I am adult now and get to make my own decisions. I am not stupid though. I would not have left if it was dangerous.

Good-Bye My Friend

I feel like my best friend and I are drifting away. We hardly spend any time together. The other day, she twice told me to do in less than fifteen minutes. I made the decision not to listen to her demands anymore.

My counselor and I talked about this yesterday. She gave me two suggestions: Talk to her or attempt to move on. There is no way I can talk to her. I feel like trying to have this discussion will only make things worse. Plus, I struggle to speak anyway. It would be better if I could write it.

Moving on seems like giving up. It is not the option that I am most pleased with. After all, without her, I have no friends. Loneliness consumes me quite often. I told my counselor though that maybe it is better that the friendship go on the wayside. After all, I want out of this town so much.

It is not going to be easy to let go. When the loneliness sets in, there is going to be the longing for a companion in which I can share my struggles and my accomplishments. It is not going to be an easy process.