I cannot help but feel frustrated with my friends (or lack there of) right now. I only have two friends in this miserable place. But for the first two years they have always been there for me. They made my life worth staying alive before despite the misery that plagued my life either because of work or depression. Even when they learned that I had mental problems, they were ok with that. They did not try to tell me what to do but were just there as supportive friends.
I feel like ever since I came back after the summer that I have been abandoned. There are times when I feel threatened by the new teacher but I know I shouldn’t. My friend does go over to the new teacher’s classroom quite often but I think that my friend is just trying to be helpful. These little exchanges still make me feel incredibly jealous because I just want to know that my friend has remembered me.
Without my teacher friend to hang out with, that literally leaves me with nobody because my other friend just happens to be the guy she is with.
I understand loneliness to a level where I could be a college professor that teaches the subject of loneliness. That is what happens though when you spend every weekend alone; forgotten. When your cell phone remains quiet except for the alarm clock, it is just another sign that nobody cares.
There are times when my friends have kept me living, even if they do not know it. What reason is there to really continue if no one really cares? I know that I plan on getting out of this horrible town as soon as I can but I still need friends. Everyone does. And that does not mean that I want to forget about my friends when I leave.
But maybe that is just what my friend wants. I mean, why would someone really want to be friends with me? After all, I pull my hair out and have absolutely little control over it. I cut myself because I do not know how to properly deal with my emotions. I have more than just ordinary sadness. Plus, I have a hard time in social situations because of social anxiety.
I don’t want to be forgotten. As hard is it is for me to deal with people, I just want someone to acknowledge that I exist. I want someone to care deeply enough to be there when times get rough and to enjoy the good moments of life together.